The photos of Bob Hawke are the hottest thing on the net at the moment whilst the Rodent continues to blow the budget and plan his war with the Queensland and WA branches of the Liberal Party. And all the while, Hillary is there to report it for Crikey.

How sage of Simon Crean to choose Bob Hawke and Nifty to help modernise the Labor Party. Hawkie still enjoys a unique love affair with the Australian people, if the pictures on th bottom of the Crikey home page are anything to go by. Indeed, spontaneous celebrations erupt when he appears.

It could be argued that the Labor Party enjoys its greatest success when it has a reformed drunk in charge. Curtin and Hawke kicked off its two longest periods of office. If they lapse afterwards, so what. Their job is done.

Back in the seventies, everyone knew Hawkie liked to hit the piss and had an eye for the ladies but we all know what happened. So what will be the result of his and Nifty’s work? Joe Tripodi for Canberra?

PS Who are Hawkie’s friends in the pictures? Hillary recognises one, Justin Miller, the boss of Sothebys Australia. If readers and subscribers have any IDs, please send them to hillarybray@crikey.com.au.

Artful tactic

Talking of subscribers, here’s an offer that may just persuade you to join this exclusive club if you’re not already in it. Subscribe now and you will get a free Mark Cornwall caricature of a person of your choosing a friend, colleague, partner, celebrity, or if you’re feeling brave of yourself. All we need are two clear photos of the victim if they’re not a public figure and the rest we leave in the hands of the professional.

Mark writes “You may have heard that the Crikey ‘free caricatures for new subs’ deal has kicked in and that the very first taker wanted a rendition of Natasha as Satan!” (You see, it’s not just our obsession.)

The war on terror

Hubba hubba! We now have our very own dinky-di true blue Aussie white trash Taliban member in David Hicks. He grew up in Adelaide’s depressed northern suburbs so his choice of career is understandable it was either that or end up in a barrel in the bank vault in Snowtown.

It was fascinating to hear his former flatmate, Louise Fletcher, say Hicks “didn’t like computers and the economics of the world”. He sounds just like Pauline, Mad Bob Katter or some RARA activist, so no wonder he joined an organisation at war with modernity.

Victorians on the move

In the wake of the state redistribution, manoeuvring is beginning in the Victorian Liberal Party that will make 2002 an interesting year.

The biggest impact looks set to occur in Melbourne’s south east in the Waverley region.

The seat of Bennetswood is gone. The relatively safe Liberal seat has been chopped in half and taken away from the Libs, leaving former Mark Birrell adviser Ron Wilson seatless in his first term.

After a lifetime of service to himself, Ross Smith has seen the one time massively safe seat of Glen Waverley bite the dust, and Maree Luckins seems less keen to fight for the now nominally Labor upper house seat of Waverley Province.

Smith is said to want to hang around still longer and take the new, safe seat of Mount Waverley but other people (ie Ron Wilson) may well have other ideas. No one seems particularly keen on the new seat of Mulgrave.

Wilson will base his bid for the seat on the themes of new blood and renewal but one of the few skills Smith has ever demonstrated is an ability to do the numbers in the local branches. The state council delegates could well be the deciders in this seat. There are a couple of neighbouring electorates that also have to be taken into consideration Forrest Hills and Burwood. Smith thinks Wilson should have a go in the Jeffmesiter’s old seat but Wilson points out that all his work has been in the Waverley area.

Forrest Hills is another battleground. It’s generally thought that John Richardson stayed around in 1999 to annoy the then state president, Joy Howley and now hopes to establish a dynastic succession in the seat and hand it to his less than inspiring son. A few people will have other ideas.

At the same time, a field of usual suspects Clem Newton-Brown, perennial candidate Kevin Donnelly, local anti-Kroger campaigner Richard Della-Riva and prominent tory John Howard will be lined up for a seat.

In true Victorian Liberal style, the landscape will end up looking like this:

Mulgrave (marginal Labor) no candidates

Mount Waverley (safe Liberal) Ron Wilson v Ross Smith

Forrest Hills (safe Liberal) – John or Rollie Richardson v Jeremy Furness v a dozen others.

East Yarra Province (safe Liberal) everybody who doesn’t have a safe seat v everybody who doesn’t have a safe seat

Waverley Province (marginal Labor) no-one

Burwood (should be safe Liberal) Jeff Kennett proxy v Maree Luckins v Helen Kroger v Ian Metzke

Then, of course, there’s the question of Crikey favourite Cameron “Dirty Harry” Boardman and his career, 05

Reform school

The Rodent appear to be set for a long hot summer, as the Queensland and Western Australian Liberal Parties are getting stroppier by the minute over next year’s federal council meeting.

The Prime Miniature is determined to use his great personal authority to make some changes. He has already switched the date of the council from August to April and its location from Adelaide to Canberra – but he now wants to give the party federal executive new powers over divisional finances and preselections. Naturally, the banana benders and sandgropers have realised that this is a great threat to their own incompetence and corruption.

Local warlords can already see their fiefdoms vanishing, and will be doing their darnedest to make sure proposals like this don’t get through and that the Libs keep their 1940s structures in place.

No to Ho

Corridor gossip claims Ho Chi Minchin is suffering from a staff revolt after talk he plans to employ Vicki Thomson, the disgraced former chief of staff to disgraced former premier Buffy Olsen.

Sources say Ho’s PA of 15 years – long before he was a Senator – Rosemary Dunstan has already quit, and two more staff are set to go.

Thomson’s HR and interpersonal skills are notoriously negligible, so their reaction is not surprising.

The Karaoke Kid

Crikey isn’t the only journal to have noticed South Australian Premier Rob Kerin’s fondness for a beer in convivial company. One columnist in the weekly City Messenger freesheet is already referring to Kerin as “The Karaoke Kid”, as his fondness for a singalong at the Fel-Fella Egyptian Restaurant in the city’s Rundle Street nightclub precinct has been noted.

Crikey sources in Adelaide say Kerin has also been seen leaving the new premises of the Q-Bar the old ones went up in flames earlier this year, as clubs are sometime wont to do at 4:00 am. Q is said to be populated largely by trendy young things whose fondness for designer items extends to designer drugs which may explain the fire but we’re not suggesting any funny business for a moment. Strange for a simple country tractor salesman.

Indeed, such is the current mania for Kero spotting that nasty, malicious gossips are spreading a rumour that the Premier sought the affections of a young lady in the loo at a recent media bash but we don’t believe it for a moment.

His press sec, Sascha Meldrum, is a former PR girlie for SA Brewing, so naturally enjoys a drink and a party herself. These scurrilous spoilsports have misinterpreted sightings of her and the Premier out relaxing after functions in a most uncharitable way even though they should know better.

However, others are wondering just what is exactly meant when people refer to Kerin’s “common touch”. In the wake of the Adelaide TV funny reel night, one female journalist has told colleagues how she “managed to stay clear of those lovin’ arms !”.

Rodentnomics

Hillary opposed the Northern Territory’s fortunately finished mandatory sentencing policies for two big reasons they denied natural justice and were economically inefficient.

Now, we also have an economic rationalist argument to add to all the other reasons for opposing John Hanson’s policy on boat people, with the revelation that the “Pacific Solution” will cost up to $500 million.

Pauline Howard trashed his government’s own legacy when he went on a spending spree last year after the Ryan and Queensland and WA state election debacles. The Budget is bodgy and yet he’s prepared to waste more money? What a rodent!

Hillary Bray can be contacted at hillarybray@crikey.com.au