Gee whiz, send Hillary a cheque and she really produces. This epic column will offend many politicians in several states and you’ll love it. Hillary is also doing the Tuesday and Thursday sealed sections these days so you really must subscribe to get her best stuff.

Last week, the ugly pair put on a spectacular display turning backflips after they announced that Afghans rejected for residency would receive assistance to return home although they got out of sync over the details.

The Rodent’s latest remarks will also raise a few more questions on refugee policy.

Our Prime Miniature has backed Dubya’s comments in his Banging the Drums for the Mid-Term Congressional Elections Speech sorry, State of the Union Address that the war against terrorism should be escalated beyond the borders of Afghanistan.

He told the World Economic Forum over the weekend that “the campaign against terrorism is by no means over” and said “I think we must recognise that the possibility of activity elsewhere in the campaign against terrorism is very real, and we would be failing to understand the character of what we are facing if that were not recognised.”

OK, PM. Dubya singled out North Korea, Iraq and Iran as “axis of evil”. North Korea is a hellhole and a half, but very few of the poor sods who get out of there turn up in Australia. Iran and Iraq are different so will people fleeing their regimes get different consideration?

Autumn in New York

The Prime Miniature isn’t the only Aussie at the World Economic Forum. Satan’s headed off there as well, with the beau in tow.

(We did have an excellent Mark Cornwall cartoon to go here but given the Frank Flak/Wendy Wedge piece we’ve probably already more than enraged Smiffy.)

This has rather surprised her parliamentary colleagues, since Aden Ridgeway was already down to attend after being invited to address the meeting on indigenous affairs. It also surprised the party faithful back in South Australia, who thought she might spend the last week of the state campaign giving them a hand.

Democrat insiders say that Satan has no appointments or formal commitments at the Forum but that the front page of the Democrats national journal is being held over until she can provide it with a photo of herself with someone really famous. They are asking why poor old Aden can’t enjoy a short session basking in the international limelight.

In fact, some of the poor old Dem infantry are asking more questions than might be good for them like why did Satan feel it was necessary to go to the WEF when the Democrats were already officially and ably represented by Senator Ridgeway; if Satan’s colleagues were asked about her trip; why didn’t Satan stay and lend her awesome celebrity to the candidates in her home state in the last few desperate days of a flagging election campaign; is Satan flying economy or has she paid for it herself; who’s footing the bills for Rhodesia and what exactly does Satan plan to do on the trip.

They are all interesting questions. The other big one, of course, is what Satan is doing at the World Economic Forum to begin with. Crikey readers no doubt remember another WEF meeting a little closer to home down at the Crown Casino in 2000. Satan was most concerned about that. Indeed, she asked in Parliament “is it not the case that Australia, by hosting the forum, is saying to the rest of the world that business rights are more important than human rights when it comes to trade with Asia”. What’s changed now? Has Satan suddenly discovered free trade or is it just that there’s more fun in Manhattan than Melbourne?

Of course, there are a couple of good internal party reasons to be away. The farce of Satan’s staff shows no sign of ending and her Parliamentary colleagues remain unimpressed by the dramas there.

The Dems also appear to have run out of puff in their campaign in South Australia. After producing their only ever lower house win and four leaders, Janine “mine’s a double” Haines, Blinky Bill, Mystic Meg and Satan herself South Australia has been regarded as the Democrat stronghold. Back in the 1997 state election, the Dems emerged as the Liberal Party’s main challenger in three seats in the Adelaide Hills.

It’s a different story today. The South Australian Democrats are about to face the same fate as the federal party suffered back in November. Sunday’s Morgan Poll put the Dems on eight per cent less than half the 16.4 per cent they scored at the last election. No-one would rate the party as having half a chance in two of the seats, Waite and Davenport, and even though Labor is running dead in the third electorate, Heysen, in a desperate effort to boost Democrat chances, the Liberal Party seems set to retain the seat.

Satan has never been very good with recruiting or keeping members. The South Australian division is controlled by Ozzie Kanck and his MLC wife Sandra implacable enemies of Satan. It’s clear where they’ll put the blame when the Democrat vote drops next Saturday.

So, with trouble in the polls, trouble in the party room and trouble in her home branch, it’s no wonder that Satan seems to have decided it might be comfier spending the autumn of her career as leader in New York.

A bridge toll too far

Talking of troubled leaders, New South Wales state Liberals are now bracing themselves for an imminent leadership change within the next month with their by-election campaign for Hornsby getting off to a disastrous start. Senior party sources say it will now be near impossible for the party to get the sort of swing it requires to build momentum for next year’s state election.

Labor has already decided not to contest the upper north shore seat and, after the thumping increase in Harbour Bridge tolls earlier this year, Chikka was hoping for a repeat of the 10 per cent plus Auburn by-election swing. Now, it looks as if the Libs are going to have to throw everything they have at the seat just to hold it if popular former mayor John Muirhead runs as an independent.

As previously reported by Hillary, NSW Liberal state director Scott Morrison tread on toes by insisting that a limited state executive preselection be held in the seat and spouting about the candidates he had in the wings Alan “Gloria” Jones, Kerry “You can’t trust politicians” Jones and “Tubby” Taylor.

Internal party division in the Hornsby area has now spilled into the open with many local branch members resentful of the process used to select the Liberal candidate. One irritated local has told Crikey that “you wouldn’t even get away with it in the ALP”.

The Liberal secretariat ordered a shortened version of the pre-selection, with only members of the Party’s state executive and a small number of locals present. Party insiders say this was intended to give the Party leadership and head office an over-riding say as to who the candidate would be.

The secretariat has continue to swear that the shortened pre-selection was required due to a lack of time to prepare for the campaign although Malthus has made no announcement as to when the by-election will be.

In the ballot, former Liberal Women’s Council President Judy Hopwood went up against Hornsby Mayor Steven Pringle councillor Nick Berman, the former celebrated Kacky Jelly staffer of no fixed abode turned big swinging dick of the Sydney PR scene. A factional deal on State Executive saw Hopwood narrowly defeat Pringle and Berman.

Hopwood was actively supported by the left-leaning Group faction and leadership aspirant John Brogden, while Pringle was seen to be the preferred candidate of the Party leadership and the right, with Berman supposedly supported by Chris Hartcher.

The fall out has not been pleasant. Chikka has had a few good polls of late, but if the by-election goes awry, she will be in trouble.

Some senior Libs are already forecasting that the lachrymose boy wonder and would be leader, John Brogden, won’t be able to lose no matter what the by-election outcome is. If the Libs win, it should be another number for him and if they lose it will be the end of Chikka, no questions asked.

Barns banished

One of the dottier groups of the local left whatever the sad sacks who make up the Beijing line communist party are called publishes a paper that devotes its centrespread to the study of their pathetic philosophy. The section goes by the beautifully Stalinist name “developing correct thoughts”.

Erica Betz and some of the other Tassie Torquemadas might like to have a go at doing something similar. All the evidence suggests that they would be very, very good.

After all, Erica and the Tasmanian Liberal executive have just effectively abolished in the party what Menzies listed as one of the four fundamental freedoms, the freedom of thought and expression, by deselecting Greg Barns.

It’s completely fair to say that Barns has been as subtle as a runaway train throughout all of this but that’s his problem. The implications of the behaviour of Erica and the people who engineered Barns disendorsement are much, much broader.

Erica and Co could do with a history lesson. Greg Barns is the first candidate deselected by the Tasmanian Liberal Party since the division was founded in 1944, but his disendorsement cuts across a tradition that dates back another half century.

Ever since the emergence of the colonial Labor parties towards the end of the nineteenth century, the Liberal Party and its predecessors have made the right of their members to conscience votes the key point of differentiation. The Tasmanian party appears to have removed this.

Most Crikey readers don’t look at the Hobart Mercury. In that case and rather than having Hillary rabbit on here’s a comment piece that appeared on Saturday and sorta says it all:

“LIBERAL Party executive members must look beyond personal vendettas, dislike and fear and re-endorse Greg Barns today. The Tasmanian branch will lose what semblance of credibility it has remaining if it goes ahead with threats to disendorse him.

“Barns supporters and detractors agree that the numbers are extremely tight. It will take a miracle for him to survive today’s hearing.

“This sad and sorry episode has shown the Liberal Party — organisational wing and senior state and federal members of Parliament — in an extremely poor light.

“What has happened to the Liberal Party, which once vehemently upheld Robert Menzies’ founding principles of a broad church, of freedom of speech and support for the right to have a dissenting view?

“How have the Liberals allowed these principles, once so proudly espoused, to be hijacked by a clique only interested in power? Leader Bob Cheek should be embarrassed by the role he has taken in Barns’s demise.

“His refusal to publicly back Barns reveals more about Cheek’s leadership than anything else.

“Cheek’s claim that his hands are tied because it is an organisational matter is rubbish. Yes, Barns went over board in his comments about Cheek eight days ago. He would have done better to keep his powder dry.

“But Cheek wrote the book on rocking the boat. So we can assume he has dumped Barns for fear he will eclipse him.

“It is a fear shared by Labor.

“The Government is terrified of Barns standing — and winning.

“The ALP understand that Barns — more than any other Liberal either in Parliament or standing for office — has the capacity to reinvigorate the party.

“They recognise Barns has the intellect and energy to turn the party into a force. The best outcome for the Bacon Government is for the Libs to disendorse him.

“Chances are Labor will get what it wants.”

ends

A story was doing the rounds late in the week that the Bass Liberals had decided the whole affair was a Hobart plot and would back Barns. The overwhelming vote against him shows this wasn’t so but the story demonstrates the nonsense that shapes the internal dynamics of the Tasmanian Liberal Party.

The Mercury reported on Sunday “The Bacon Government was last night ‘doing an Irish jig’ in celebration of the Liberal decision, a senior Government member said.”

As they should be. Greg Barns has scarcely behaved in a restrained manner, but the behaviour of the Tasmanian Liberals has been far, far worse. They have not only delivered an overwhelming vote in favour of mediocrity. They have delivered a vote against the very fundamentals of the Liberal Party.

Alan Jones’ unnatural liaison

Max Markson has stepped up the advertising for his fundraising gigs later this month featuring priapic president Bill Clinton but eyebrows are still being raised at the choice of Alan Jones as MC.

Gloria and Clinton make very strange bedfellows. Conservative shock jocks weren’t exactly Clinton lovers.

Then again, money is often an effective lubricant in these sorts of situations, particularly when it is applied generously. Is that happening here?

Sick list

We all know of the scrupulously high standards that govern all the activities of the administration of the Blessed Steve Bracks so it surely cannot be true that a ministerial staffer and former Labor candidate has recently been forced to take sick leave after picking up a nasty dose of crabs at a certain establishment on Swanston Street.

Make the knife

An amazing tale has made its way to Hillary. This story claims that in the dim, distant past some troubles soul now a senior federal parliamentarian drew a knife during a midnight brawl in Megalong Road, Nedlands, Western Australia.

Is this true? Can anyone ID the person involved? Make the knife and you’ll make our day but, as our friend the Demtel man would say, that’s not all. There’s another story about our hero and how he and another politically connected soul saved a group of damsels in distress.

According to this story, a group of innocent first years saw an ad in the University of Western Australia student newspaper for a meeting for “women to come together”. They were intrigued and thought it would be a fun way to meet new people, so four innocent little private school blue-eyed blondes trotted along, only to discover what appeared to be a Sapphic orgy in a dope filled room.

They were horrified but not as horrified as their boyfriends, who decided to raid the meeting and stormed in, chanting “diseased” and “f*ck off poofters”. The result was a huge brawl interrupted by the police too late to prevent a bucket of urine being tipped on one of our hero’s head. (Cripes – we’re getting a bit tabloid this week HB – ed.)

The mild west

Meanwhile, another story reaches Crikey about Western Australian Senator and former Noel Crichton-Browne prote51ge51 Ian Campbell.

This tale claims that Campbell, a hard man of the right well, at least, hard man of the right until the failed to make it past Parly Sec) was once a gentle, tree loving, Birkenstock wearing member of the Australian Democrats.

Surely not?

He’s back!

Crikey favourite Cameron Boardman is reportedly back at his old tricks. Hillary hears that he was seen in the George Hotel in Ballarat arguing with a bloke named Matthew over a female blonde.

No doubt she was a swinging voter.

A pleasant chat with the Minister

Crikey readers have a chance to chat with the Cadaver until 22 February through the Department of Immigration, Multiculturalism and Indigenous Affairs online forum on the 2002-2003 Migration and Humanitarian Programs at https://www.minister.immi.gov.au/forum/.

It’s a great chance to put your views on the record. DIMIA’s motto is “enriching Australia through the entry and settlement of people”. Given that, asking the Cadaver why he and the Rodent are running wildly expensive programs to keep people out might be an amusing starting point.

However, there may be some difficulties. Here’s what one subscriber had to say about it:

“We have just checked out the Immigration Minister’s forum page, because we thought we might help him out with some publicity. Unfortunately, he seems to be taking the same approach to publicising people’s views on the forum as he is to publicising the views of refugees in detention centres – it’s just a black hole. I can’t work out how to get into the forum, or how to read anything that anyone else has posted. Maybe this is an intelligence test, a bit like the old dictation test.”

Trouble on the Tampa

Things went amiss aboard the Tampa on the Torrens. After Cap’n Kero and his sidekick Bosun Beige played the racist refugee card last week, the steadfast salt came out and criticised those he sees as using the situation at the Woomera Detention Centre for political gain.

The Cap’n is now accusing people of coming up with simplistic solutions to a complex problem simply to get their names in the media but why the turnaround. Why is this so?

Could it be anything to do with the fact that the Immigration Detention Advisory Group has suggested that Woomera be closed?

Could it be anything to do with the fact that the IDAG has suggested that instead the old El Alamein military base near Port Augusta be converted to a new detention centre?

Could it be anything to do with the fact that Port Augusta has a loud and feisty Mayor who is completely opposed to the idea?

And could it be anything to do with the fact that Port Augusta is the key population centre in the marginal Liberal seat of Stuart, where young Labor candidate Justin Jarvis is making headway against a ratbag MP who’s been there since Adam was knee high to a grasshopper?

We’ll just need to wait and see.

Coalition seat scramble

Burwood and Benalla aren’t the only Victorian seats about to see squabbles in the scramble for preselection. The Age has already reported rumblings in Forest Hills, with charges of ethnic branch stacking, and the fun is only just beginning.

Forest Hills is just one battlefield, but with Liberal MP John “Sly Dog” Richardson retiring and the new seat taking in incorporating a big chunk of the abolished, it makes a good staring point.

There have already been claims that small businessman Vasan Stingivasan has paid for about 200 members of the Indian community to sign up to local branches and subsides the memberships of a couple hundred more. This is blue ribbon territory, however, and there are a lot more votes out there.

It’s been suggested that Stingivasan has brought the stacking allegations against himself by talking up his chances. Even if they are accurate, the numbers he can supposedly call on won’t get him preselected and he’s unlikely to get votes from any other source.

Rolly Polly Richardson, the son of the retiring sitting member, would like to have a go, but he is only seen as a local political hack who has never been able to get a real job.

Maree Luckins, the Member for Waverley Province, is a late starter, now that her own seat has been changed into a marginal, but the rank and file think she should stay there and fight. Another late entrant is Mary Wooldridge, the sister of the MRI man himself and there are claims that she has made up for lost time with some energetic recruiting.

Liberal hopefuls are also casting covetous eyes at Oakleigh, which after absorbing a decent chunk of Caulfield has become winnable again for the Libs. A few cynics feel it was last time if the ALP hadn’t been able to use former member Denise McGill’s taxpayer funded overseas shopping tour of rubbish dumps against them.

Denise is still a contender wags say she wants to upgrade her superannuation. Maree Luckins current electorate office is in the new seat, but she apparently isn’t interested. That leaves two local councillors, Peter Goudge and Norm Kennedy as other possibilities.

Goudge used to work for the infamous Senator Tsebin “Has been” Tchen before getting the boot for failing to grovel enough to Ros Clowes, the flop Liberal candidate for Chisholm. He’s already behaving as if he has the preselection in the bag and the seat half won. Kennedy is very much an outside chance, so the battle here will be between Goudge and McGill.

Gerald Ashman, the sitting member for Koonung Province, is likely to stand again and gain strong support even though he is close to 60. There’s a chance that some Young Liberal upstarts may use him for target practice in a trial preselection run and some talk that Ros Clowes might have a go at the seat, but Ashman seems secure.

Ron Wilson, the Member for abolished Bennettswood and former chief adviser to Rob Knowles, the Kennett health minister credited with single-handedly losing the seats of Ballarat Province and Gisborne back in 1999, will run for the new seat of Mt Waverley. More than a few locals see him as a boring hack rather than a young buck.

Ross Smith, who’s seat of Glenn Waverley has been abolished, has said that he plans to contest the seat, now that it takes up the larger chunk of old stamping grounds, although some pundits think that Ross may pull the pin at the last second.

The former City of Monash Mayor Russell Hannon, a local real estate agent without too much baggage from council, is another likely starter for the seat and that name Luckins pops up here, too.

East Yarra is likely to be another spectacular battleground as a cast of thousands bid to replace Mark Birrell. Maree Luckins’ name has turned up here as well, but the one time Deputy Mayor in Melbourne Town Hall and now under-employed barrister Clem Newton-Browne seems to be the favourite here, boosted (god help us) by support from state party president Ian Carson and deputy president Peter Clarke.

Let the games commence.

Housing shortage

Here’s an issue Chikka might like to take up. Young people in New South Wales are suffering severe housing shortages, if a Young Liberal membership lists that have made their way to Crikey are anything to go by. What must these people go through, all jammed in together?

153581 Ms K A Kutasi PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Kimberly Ann NEWTOWN Y/L 2204

154754 Mr N V Landrey PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Nathan Vance NEWTOWN Y/L 2204

153922 Mr B J Douglass PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Brett John ASHFIELD Y/L 2204

154732 Mr M D Ricci PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Matthew David ASHFIELD Y/L 2204

153702 Mr J G Mebberson PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE John Geoffrey ASHFIELDY/L 2204

153573 Mr D Kisliakov PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Daniel NEWTOWN Y/L 2204

153571 Mr J P Jacob PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Jared Patrick NEWTOWN Y/L 2204 0411 746500

154757 Ms N L England PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Natalie Lisa ASHFIELD Y/L 2204

154681 Mr S Sri Ramanathan PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Shivy ASHFIELD Y/L 2204

153923 Mr B D Fairfax PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Benjamin Dean ASHFIELD Y/L 2204

153510 Mr N D Walker PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Nicolas David EARLWOOD/KINGSGROVE Y/L 2204

153703 Mr S P Travers PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Scott Peter ASHFIELD Y/L 2204

154823 Mr J W Andrews PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Jonathan ASHFIELD Y/L 1475

154863 Mr S R Martin PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Scott Robert EARLWOOD/KINGSGROVE Y/L 2204

153921 Mr S C Leanfore PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Sidney Charles ASHFIELD Y/L 2204

152922 Mr K J Kutasi PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Kyle Jay ASHFIELD Y/L 1475 0418 610 441

155906 Ms G Langhans PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Georgina EARLWOOD/KINGSGROVE Y/L 2204

155914 Ms K Landrey PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Kellie EARLWOOD/KINGSGROVE Y/L2204

154836 Mr N C Walker PO Box 3032 MARRICKVILLE Nicholas Christopher NEWTOWN Y/L 1475

Hillary Bray can be contacted at hillarybray@crikey.com.au