There really is something for everyone in this wonderful Hillary Bray effort.

Candidate Barns criticises party policy and is out on his arse. The Hitman trots out a story on a High Court judge that has already been investigated but lea to no action being taken, backed up with bodgy evidence he hasn’t properly checked.

He loses his job but otherwise the Prime Miniature’s there, doing his Tammy Wynette act.

The Horrible Heffalump

The post-mortem is in. The cause of death is self immolation playing with incendiary material set alight by his own flaming cross. Verdict: accidental death while of unsound mind.

Hitman Heffernan told the Senate: “I believe that I was acting in good faith and on the basis of information which appeared completely genuine from a source which appeared credible, and that I had made inquiries in an attempt to verify the material” and said he tried to check the Comcar records, but that his freedom of information request was knocked back for privacy reasons. Really? You don’t say. A half competent backbench staffer would have known that would be the case let alone a black ops expert like the Hitman.

The Hitman has been destroyed by the affair. Slimy Simey said it all: “I think Senator Heffernan should resign from the Senate because he used parliamentary privilege to pedal what he’d been unable to convince the New South Wales Police and a royal commission about.” More than a few of the Hitman’s Liberal colleagues agree. Which brings us back to the bloke who decided that someone of the Hitman’s temperament would make a good Cabinet Secretary, 05

Criticism over the canape51s, 05

The Prime Miniature was happy to go against what he called “the clamour of the mob” over the GG. Hillary, however, gathers that he was somewhat disturbed by the volume of e-mail from angry Sydney eastern suburb Liberals shown to him by the member for the well-heeled seat of Wentworth, Peter King.

Indeed, one story doing the rounds says that Hyacinth was accosted by several prominent Liberals at an Australian Ballet do and much surprised at the feelings the Hitman had provoked amongst Liberal straights.

Given Yabba Dabba’s thoughts on things, it’s lucky that the Hitman’s document turned out to bodgy so soon.

The plot thickens

With the emphasis on “plot”, too. The Lounge Bar Bore of the Gallery, Alan Ramsey, has got off his stool and brought us a cracker of a yarn with his Saturday story saying the meeting between the Rodent and Commissioner Ryan of the Rum Corps was set up by the Hitman, rather than a briefing requested by the Rodent.

We now have the Rodent adding his authority to the Horrible Heffalump’s claims by repeating and adding to them in his statement to the House on the Wednesday, his raising of the bar in his interview with Lawsie the following Friday and now this new piece for the puzzle.

Conspiracy theories, anyone?

One down

The PM’s credibility is already under strain by his denials that he knew kids-in-the-watergate was an invention and the Senate inquiry kicks off Monday, but minus the Hitman.

The unpleasantness of recent weeks has weakened the short man’s leadership and destroyed the credibility of a key ally and backroom “facilitator” just when he needs it.

If Treasury hadn’t stuffed up their hedging, some serious head-counting would now being going on in public.

Laurie’s hols

Insufferable know-alls like Hillary and the Mayne Man sniggered happily away last week when Laurie Brereton revealed he was off on Hayman Island the day the Hitman’s Comcar docket said he had been in Sydney. Why? Well, Hayman Island was half owned by News Limited a company that has figured large in Laurie’s career.

Indeed, Laurie’s career may well have been spent in Long Bay, after he was charged with trying to bribe members of Botany Council to do a favour for News back in the 1970s. Luckily, a bent beak let him off, and he went on to enjoy a career in state and federal politics.

However, it seems delightful that at Easter in 1994, Laurie was off enjoying Hayman hospitality. Laurie was transport minister back in those days, and the luxurious Hayman resort was the jewel in Ansett’s crown. Rupe the 50 per cent owner was so proud of the place that he used to hold his global conferences there and it was even where he first kissed Tony Blair and started that wonderful relationship.

Ansett didn’t get grounded in those days, of course and Hillary hopes Laurie paid for his vacation. There are nasty stories that say he also enjoyed a stint in the Tuscan villa belonging to Transfield capo Franco Belgiorno-Nettis just around the time Transfield got the gig to build the Sydney Harbour tunnel. We now know Laurie keeps his diaries. Does he also keep his receipts?

Worn out sofa

Nine candidates have thrown their hats in the ring for preselection for the top spot on the Democrat Legislative Council ticket for next year’s New South Wales election. Given their lacklustre NSW performance so far with Arthur Chesterfield-Sofa at the helm, the Dems are going to have to poll better than the three per cent or less they have managed in recent times if they are to get anyone elected at all. The days when Elisabeth Kirkby held the balance of power have been left long behind.

With the Greens enjoying the support of the last remaining Trots in the civilised world by way of Victorian Unions, associated whining Pommie shop stewards and the money and hands-on-help that such an affiliation could provide, they have finally been outed as the watermelon party but are looking like being in a position to challenge the Democrats in NSW at a State level well in time for the next State election.

The Greens bounced NSW Democrat Vicki Bourne out of the Senate at the last Federal election, and that means they will have three staff and all the lurks ‘n’ perks of a federal parliamentarian’s office to help in the state campaign. Indeed, Green offices are notorious for splitting staff positions and turning two or three paid positions into four or five even though their new friends from the union movement may get upset that the hours worked can sometimes be way more than a staffer is paid for so they should be able to put on a good show.

So who will make the top of the ticket for the Democrats? In terms of competence, intelligence, commitment and drive, they would be ranked: Peter Furness; James Lantry; Margaret Ferrara and Nina Burridge.

Furness, however, has got off to a bad start with a mailout on South Sydney Council letterhead. Other candidates have had to pay for their own paper and it is uncertain how understanding South Sydney ratepayers would be if they knew that Council paper and apparently other resources were used for a party political mailout. It is unclear who paid for the stamps, but given that Councillors have such allowances it seems a fair question to ask.

Even if he does pay his own way, Furness may have another advantage. He has attracted many new members to the Democrats from a key South Sydney demographic and this should help in the preselection process.

The Tassie Libs prepare

Tassie Libs recently took time out from trying to guarantee that the state remains an economic basket case to see how they can lift their dismal electoral performance. Fifteen years ago, they held all of the state’s generous allocation of House of Representatives seats, then Hillary’s old drinking buddy Michael Hodgeman lost Dennison and started a slide that saw them end up with no seats at all.

The situation’s almost as bad at a state level, too, with recent opinion polling showing the Libs are about as popular as paedophiles. Indeed, one of the faithful has told Hillary that the party would have more chance of winning Government if they rounded up every Liberal member in the state inside a barn and proceeded to burn it down.

None of the five Tassie Liberal Senators are famed for their diligence and hard work least of all Paul Calvert, who often forgets where his electoral office is as he doesn’t visit often. Old Paul’s been whining that the sheer workload of being in the Senate is working him down, so he’s told his staff to keep their eyes out for employment. It’s expected that he’ll retire within the next 18 months, and his charming spin doctor Vince Taskunas has already landed a job.

The question is, however, has Paul anointed a successor? The Tasmanian Liberals are pretty predictable when they fill a casual vacancy, going for a middle-aged caucasian male bible basher almost all the time, but they got a bit daring when they went for ET lookalike Guy Barnett (although the fact he was a fervent Baptist probably helped as well) and this has lead to the radical suggestion that they preselect someone with ability and a woman as well, former deputy premier and opposition leader Sue Napier.

Napier put her hand up last year for the job only to have it chopped off. Erica is said to see her as a real risk she has some sense of social justice, for a start and, after helping to finish her off as state leader, is determined not to let her wander over into his backyard.

And the New South Wales Libs, 05

The Tasmanian Libs aren’t the only lot preparing for an election. In 12 months the New South Wales party will be facing its own date with destiny as they kept on being told at their conference last weekend.

Given their disastrous performance back in 1999, many Libs are wondering why eastern suburbs resident Greg Pearce has been re-endorsed as the duty MLC for the northern Sydney region and why Mosman, Balgowlah or even Hunters Hill aren’t good enough for him given how the party needs to win back seats on the Nor Shore like Ryde and Manly if it is to stand a serious chance of winning government.

There is some good news, however. Much has been said in recent times about the explosion of the Sydney property market particularly in the north and the east and much of the claim for this deserves to be given to Liberal preselection aspirants.

One northern mayor is taking time out from his third marriage to look at land in Sydney’s north-east fringe despite the fact that his beloved has told him that he better be pretty damn sure of winning preselection before she has to travel further to get the kids to school.

At least two young ambitious members of the party’s right wing are planning to move to the Hills District as part of an elaborate plan to challenge local dead-wood state MPs, while a recent unsuccessful preselection candidate has his home on the market but seems to be looking beyond usual matters like local facilities before deciding where to settle.

In new but widespread trend for the Liberal Party, a number of state MPs also appear certain to be challenged by the electorate committee presidents much to the distress of the older members of the party. The phenomena has been spotted in at least five electorates two in outer northern Sydney, one on the mid North Shore, one in the eastern suburbs and one in southern Sydney and some scallywags say it is even being encouraged by head office. Fancy!

And the Banana Benders, 05

It’s official. As reported previously in this column, Campbell Newman nephew of Jocelyn “Three Pensions” Newman and cousin of Brisbane Liberal candidate Seb Monsour will be the Liberal Party’s candidate for the job of Brisbane Lord Mayor, opening another glorious chapter in Crikey’s political nepotism lists.

At the same time, Queensland Liberal VP Matt Boland has decided to rev the party up, circulating this proposal for “renewal”:

—– Original Message —–

From: Dai Reynolds

To: [CENSORED]

Sent: Friday, March 22, 2002 8:19 AM

Subject: Forward from Mat Boland

LIBERAL RENEWAL!

A forum for members on ideas and strategies to attract and keep new members.

VENUE: Liberal Party HQ, 25 O’Connell Tce, Bowen Hills

DATE: Sunday, 7 April 2002

TIME: 1 to 3:45pm

Hosted by the Party Development Committee.

RSVP to Matt Boland on [hey, we’re bastards but not that big a bastards]

PROGRAM

Keeping members interested

What are members’ needs?

How to keep members interested

Communicating with members

Attracting new members

Why do people join?

Tips for successful recruiting

Targeting community segments

Better branches

Tips for successful branch meetings

Identifying the branch culture

Meeting members’ needs

Branch objectives

Training members

Identifying your members’ training needs?

Training strategies

Headquarters’ training resources

Linking with the community

Benefits of strong community links

Identifying local community groups

Building a positive community profile

Successful networking activities

Dai Reynolds

General Secretary

gsecretary@qld.liberal.org.au

The Queensland Libs have had some very rough times over the past couple of years, so Boland’s proposals are no doubt needed but Matty has been a VP for yonks. Why has he only come up with the idea now?

And the Victorians, too

Dynamic Dennis Napthine didn’t put on a bad show at the recent Victorian Liberal Party state conference. He looked almost credible for someone a mile behind in the polls, and is no doubt watching with a grin as the loopy left of the Victorian ALP threaten to make the state part of North Korea or whatever exercise in nostalgia for the long days of opposition they’re currently playing out.

However, if he has a look at the executive team his party elected at the meeting, he’ll be thinking again. The only serious challenge was for the exalted potion of country vice-president but the party establishment prevailed and the organisational wing of the Victorian Liberal Party will be lead to the coming state election by much the same team as lost them the last.

Recent preselections haven’t left the party looking all that unified. After losing Forrest Hills, Maree Luckins is desperately in search of somewhere to sit when the music stops. She is now casting an eye over Jeff’s old seat of Burwood but may well find electorate committee chair David Oliver has got their already while Rolly Richardson is gunning for Mitcham.

Dynamic Den has said he wants to see the battle for Gembrook settled without a competition much to the chagrin of the rank and file who remember this thing called internal democracy.

David Davis has knocked off Kevin Donnelly again, but then the Doc seems happy enough if he makes Davis work for his spot in Parliament. Ken Smith and Martin Dixon won their preselections, despite the efforts of MLC Ron Bowden who might well be the one struggling when his turn comes.

Even Hillary’s pal Cameron Boardman has kept his spot he told preselectors that the few spots of bother he’d had of late will his old buddies in the police force had been factional matters (strangely enough), and was able to relax and spend the policy debates on the Sunday reading the Goldmark catalogue that fell out of the paper.

So, with his team refreshed and party unified, is there any wonder that Den is looking so confident.

The leaders of tomorrow

Hillary must stay in Victoria for a while longer to praise the leaders of tomorrow, AKA the local Young Liberal Movement.

Conrad bin Xanthos and his troops are feeling some internal pressures but that doesn’t mean they can’t put on a good show. At a recent function the admin vice-president of the Movement, Arthur Vlahonasios put on such a bravura chundering display that his colleagues are sure it would have made more than just a $40 profit if his performance had been properly billed.

Media monitoring

Renaissance shock jock Mike Carlton, the first polysyllabic host on 2UE, was desperately keen to make sure that an on-air witticism about Reba Meagher’s appointment as Parliamentary Secretary to the Police Minister hadn’t slipped so he gave it a run in his Sydney Morning Herald column on Saturday. Lucky for him, it’s worth repeating:

“Interviewing the ever emollient Costa about these upheavals on radio last Thursday, a thought suddenly occurred. ‘Have you okayed all this with The Parrot?’ I asked. There was a nanosecond of silence at the other end of the phone, echoing but eloquent, before the minister responded. ‘Do you mean Alan?” he asked.”

Boom boom!

Odd choices

The new South Australian government seems to have made some interesting interim staff choices.

Michael Wright, who holds the delicate Industrial Relations brief, has appointed a long term adviser to formal Liberal minister Michael Armitage as his acting chief of staff. What would the bruvvers at Trades Hall have to say?

New Employment Minister, Jane “J-Lo” Lomax-Smith, however, appears to have trumped this. She has netted David Travers a former chief of staff to Graham “Bingo” Ingersen, the former Liberal deputy premier who was forced to resign not just once, but twice, during the life of the last government.

The welfare state at work

A beautiful story of how the welfare state works is coming out of Britain.

Polygamy might be illegal in the UK, but that doesn’t stop men with several wives receiving benefits even if their spouses live overseas. Some councils are handing out tax rebates and housing benefits at the rate of £30 a wife accompanied by some wonderful bureaucratic rationalising.

A Department for Work and Pensions spokesman has justified the payments by saying: “Although polygamy is illegal here, some people come from countries where it is legal and we have to take that into account. The first wife is classed as a couple with the husband and additional wives are treated as dependants.”

Challis Avenue a Crikey subscribers’ soapie

For the last week Crikey subscribers have received regular updates in the exciting new soapie, Challis Avenue, a story set in glamorous Potts Point and featuring the day-to-day dramas of abrasive yet sensitive former prime minister Paul as he searches for love.

Naturally, unless you subscribe, Hillary won’t tell you anything about the plot itself but here’s a detail of one of the sets. Paul has recently had a nice new awning installed on his balcony to keep the sun out in the mornings.

Crikey true confessions

Yes, it’s true that in the wake of the Andrew and Louisa romp on the Speaker’s chair in the Northern Territory Parliament House both Hillary and the Mayne Man have confessed to indiscretions in the corridors of power but the Crikey mailbag is beginning to look more and more like Penthouse Forum.

Just look at this filth: “I used to work for a State Member of Parliament in [CENSORED], 05 bumped uglies with two successive girlfriends on his desk, 05”

“I was a Councillor for [CENSORED AGAIN] and had a late night roll in the Council Chamber … can’t remember the pretty young thing’s name… it was late one Friday night (Sat morning?) after a very big night out… ended up there because we couldn’t get into the Mayor’s office.”

Oh dear.

Crikey apocrypha

Satan was off on sick leave last week and, as nature abhors a vacuum, by mid-week there were those who could authoritatively state that she was pregnant.

Meanwhile, those interested in the psychology of the rumour so that means all Crikey readers, let alone the contributors better have a look at this piece from The Sunday Age

For the record, we don’t believe that Natasha is pregnant to her spindoctoring boyfriend Ian Smith or anyone else for that matter.

Hillary Bray can be contacted at hillarybray@crikey.com.au