An Investment Banker

“I am an Investment Banker,” I say and smile,
“And my salary is in the upper quartile.”
When I sat the psychological test
I was assessed as one of the best.

Following my superior ranking
I was chosen by Corporate Banking.
Obviously I was elated,
Dreaming of loans, all syndicated.

Rapid promotion to Corporate Advice
Provided an entree to paradise.
The hours were long, both AM and PM
But I was driving a brand new BM

If we were awarded a difficult mandate
I was called in, the obvious candidate.
Equity Raisings, Divestments, Valuations,
Mergers, Acquisitions and Privatisations.

There was a client in one large deal
Who described our fee as being unreal.
And he suggested I was overrated,
How very sad. He’s now liquidated.

Because of my skill in structuring debts
I was transferred to Capital Markets.
My new clients couldn’t hide their amazement
When I revealed my Debt/Equity Instrument.

Funds Management was going downhill
And clearly needed my brains and skill.
Before they knew it, I had them embarking
On active and passive portfolio benchmarking.

And do I add to the Economy?
Or just line my pockets with money?
“I am an Investment Banker,” I say and smile,
“And my salary is in the upper quartile.”

– Neville Mills. August 2005.