Despite what some reports
would have you believe, I did not pursue Barry Humphries before he
biffed me in the face yesterday. In fact, he did that right at the
start, when I had stumbled across him in Double Bay.

Who would
have ever expected Dame Edna’s alter-ego to land such a good hit? It
still hurts, but I think I’ll live. I did follow him after that, but
only for an apology.

Barry, I know you’ve probably been thinking
long and hard since the events of yesterday about how to make it up to
me. I have been thinking too – I’ll happily accept two tickets with
airfares to your next show in London.

After all, how better to
wash away the lasting image of a vicious attack on the street than to
witness the comic genius of the perpetrator? I know he’s a big star and
can probably afford a PR person to make it look like he’s an angelic
victim, being chased around relentlessly all day – a la Kidman – by a
vicious ruthless pack of paparazzi.

But let’s get real. Who’d
want to chase Barry Humphries around anyway? And why? It’s not as if
you’re expecting to follow him to a secret tryst with a supermodel or
catch him in one of those old red phone booths changing into his Dame
Edna outfit.

I was just out there doing my job like I do every
day and will continue to do in the future. I’m not planning to sue, I’m
not planning to file a police report. In fact, I just want say: no hard
feelings Bazza!

* Malcolm’s side of the story was told to Crikey’s Anthony Stavrinos