Kim Beazley is trying to forge a “Pact with Middle Australia” in an attempt to seize John Howard’s most successful electoral territory. To this end, he’s announced plans to make visitors to Australia sign a statement promising to respect Australian values.

Here’s a copy his draft statement about Australian values, courtesy of The Chaser:

1) Respect other cultures if completely assimilated into Australia’s own.

2) Respect for other religions as long as they’re not fundamentalist (except Christianity).

3) Respect for Australian institutions such as Don Bradman, Phar Lap, Steve Irwin and Peter Brock.

4) Respect Australia’s democracy — unless I have a Senate majority.

5) Respect the equal treatment of women, except when depicted in Ralph, FHM and ZOO. I note note that “equal” does not extend to pay, hiring policies, seats in parliament or adequate childcare facilities.

6) Respect hard work, especially when directed towards avoiding tax.

7) Respect Australia’s Laws, and also its Jones and Mitchell.

8) Respect Australia’s armed forces no matter where America may deploy them.

9) Respect Australia’s parliaments, except the “fun-sized” NT and ACT parliaments which no-one respects.

10) Above all respect Australians’ most important value – the value of their mortgage repayments.