The week according to First Dog On The Moon:

What a week!

Aussie troops have been engaged in fierce fire fights with Taliban rebels, in a brave attempt to stop Afghanis occupying Afghanistan…

Legendary record producer Phil Spector’s trial will be restaged after the jury failed to come to a verdict, although Spector’s lawyers are hoping to limit it to the original procedure plus overdubs…

Dozens of remote aboriginal communities redefined themselves as farms this week and then walked off them, freeing themselves from welfare sequestration and earning them a no-strings attached two hundred grand…

Mark Vaile, touring rural communities this week, repeatedly refused to get out of the plane as he concluded that “the engines haven’t been turned off”, given the omnipresent whining sound…

Therese Rein, wife of Kevin Rudd – currently picking his cabinet from the ALP backbench – has landed a contract placing the intellectually disabled in work, giving the couple, at the very least, something to talk about…

A Swedish TV quiz presenter vomited live on air. Channel Seven have bought the format…

A teacher who claimed to be Hitler’s son working undercover for the Israeli secret service has been ruled too mentally ill to work even in a Victorian state school…

The world’s media extensively expressed their shock at the use of an Italian anorexic as a fashion model, especially as her photo seemed to be everywhere…

President George W Bush launching a new education initiative noted that “childrens do learn” indicating, said commentators, a sad decline in American leadership since the era of philosopher-kings such as Dan Quayle…

A woman in Siberia gave birth to a 17 pound baby and showed her appreciation to God for the gift by naming it “Ananas Imeti Preeitcha”, Russian for “that pineapple I just crapped”…

A pro-Workchoices ad that featured two criminal thugs has been pulled and future versions will not feature any members of the federal Cabinet…

Following the WorkChoices ad debacle the Business Council of Australia confirmed they had replaced consultants Crosby Textor with a “green texta” which seemed to give the same level of service at a fraction of the cost…

In football, the Cats’ likely success in the Grand Final has given people in Geelong a new reason to live, correction omit new…

Brief excitement at the prospect of a Colin Carpenter led recovery after “Gyngell returns to Nine” were dashed when it was revealed to be just another carbon emission…

The late Senator Bob Collins’ state funeral has been scrapped but the cake that was to be served at the reception has been given to some local kids…

Shane Warne is philosophical about accidentally texting “the back door’s open” to his wife rather than his mistress saying at least he didn’t send it to (name of man in question deleted on legal advice).

Razer Trash

Helen Razer writes:

As any straight middle aged bloke will tell you: girl-on-girl action is a great way to rev up a priapic week. And what could be better optical Pfizer than the co-ed tangle allegedly offered in Maureen McCormack’s new book?

According to US publication the National Enquirer, a 1970s backlot saw some Very Brady Frottage. In case you missed it, and thousands of news.com.au readers didn’t as they buoyed the story for days in the Most Popular Top 5, Jan and Marcia were doin’ a Sapphic foxtrot between wholesome takes. I do hope Tiger the dog was spared this unnatural teen candour.

Sadly, publishers are now denying that this is the case.  Let’s hope, nonetheless, that Rupert’s people find a proximate occasion to again use the phrase “Lesbian Sex Romp”.

Neocon s-x romp hardly has the same ring, does it? You can be certain, however, that someone would find the thought of an Unnamed Minister sashaying about in a towel to a Heavy House soundtrack arousing. What’s good for the golden haired Brady girls, however, is hardly good for re-election. Particularly if it’s your own party spying on you in the funky altogether.

Frankly, this is no surprise to me or those others who’ve always thought of the coalition as rather homos-xual in that quaint, old-fashioned Rugger way. Even though, of course, they continue to uphold the legal sanctity of a marriage that involves exactly one p-nis.

By the time Warnie and Simone rolled around, our libidos were desiccated to a fine dry silt. No one wants to think about those guys doing it, do they?

In a week overstuffed with sad tabloid s-x came the Brownlows. Of later years, this bloated ceremony is only interesting to (a) play Name that Contraindication and (b) see what tatty porn stars might wear if they were actually forced into clothes. The Brownlows is to haute couture as Cheese-in-a-can is to a fine chevre. I love these two-dollar shop harlots and long may they strut in tainted corsetry that would even make Donatella woozy.

In the twenty four hours that is likely to separate national Grand Final action from the official election campaign, it would be nice if some footy gals could get it on Muff Diva style. That’d give news.com.au readers something to rise about.

Burmese protests in numbers

100,000: people have been demonstrating this week in Rangoon

3,000: people were massacred the last time the Burmese protested in 1988

14: people have been reported dead since the protests began

45: years the military junta have repressively held power

500%: the increase in the price of cooking oil, part of steep August fuel price increases which prompted these protests

392: parliament seats Aung San Suu Kyi’s National League for Democracy party won out of 492 in 1990 elections

12: years Aung San Suu Kyi has spent out of the past 18 years under house arrest

1.46 billion: US dollars total bilateral trade between China and Burma reached in 2006

500: estimated number of monks arrested so far