Through the time-honoured medium of Pole Dancing, we have acquired useful recent knowledge.

First, we have learned that Summer Bay’s Martha Mackenzie is unfeasibly hot and seems rather comfortable in a bespoke sailor’s uniform.

Second, we have learned that the ACMA does, from time to time, deign to slap corporate wrist.

Third, thanks to the fearless and meticulous research enacted by News Corp, we have learned that there is a Pole Dancing Pandemic.

In March of this year, the plotline of Home and Away, it seems, took a distinct and post-feminist twist. Scrummy Martha was pressed into the service of The Pole thanks to her boyfriend’s chicanery. Actually, if I was an ACMA boffin, I think I might have caused the greatest stink about this Fiddy Cent subplot.

Even by the most generous standard, the pimping of one’s ho is not acceptable C Time fare. Anyhoo, it was the actual dance that received censure last week.

And a good thing too. In its broad representation, Pole Humping diminishes community standards etc etc. Importantly, in its practice, it diminishes basic principles of hygiene.

In an effort to boost my popularity, I will aver: I have been to a strip club.

Well, several, actually. And in my licentious Rudd-like survey, I have never EVER seen anyone give the Pole a wipe of Glen 20 between performances. What do you have to say to that, ACMA?

Poor Martha. She did seem like such a well laundered girl.

While News Corp does tend to a hypocritical reflex re Our Aussie Kids, I actually have to concede, yes, they do have a point. It’s just plain wrong for kids to be doing this kind of jiggle.

And, yes, it’s not a beat up. They do. I know this because, rather disastrously, I once attended a pole dancing class and the Head Harlot assured me that this odd pursuit was, indeed, “fun for the whole family.”

Which fugging family? The Dollangangers from Flowers in the Attic?

And I know this because I see very young girls dressed like Nicole Richie after a night on the tiles at my local shopping mall.

I suspect this is all evidence of a mass draining of libido. S-x, as you can see from the famous series of Paris Hilton videos, is a scopic and detached affair. My friend A calls this the “net effect”. That is, over-stimulation ends only in flaccid boredom.

And, apparently, some young woman shoving her mini-skirted jacksie all over a filthy pole at tea time.