Swanny’s latest mashup:

The week in one liners:

George Bush uses the beaching of 150 dolphins in Iran as evidence that the Iranians are developing crack marine mammal suicide squads as a threat to freedom-loving beach goers everywhere…

Queensland government decision to ban breast enhancement surgery for teenagers has producers of next year’s Big Brother in a panic as to whether they will have enough suitable female contestants…

Meanwhile Channel Ten authorities say that when they spoke of a “tighter format” for next year’s Big Brother, they were not referring to Jackie O’s disturbingly wrinkle free features…

405-year-old clam dredged up from the sea bed off Iceland astonished to learn that Bert Newton is still on prime time television…

Scientists say that global warming is the greatest threat to fish on the Great Barrier Reef since Harold Holt went there on a spear-fishing holiday in the 60s…

After Prince Harry was questioned by police over the shooting of two rare hawks on the Sandringham Estate this week, a palace spokesman said the royal family was relieved to find that unlike his cousin, Harry had been having a crack at some birds…

The arrest of charity workers in Chad for trying to smuggle out more than one hundred “orphans” causes a temporary halt to the extensions in the Brangelina household…

After successfully re-enacting the famous charge of the Light Horse on Beersheba ninety years ago, the participants then went looking for prostitutes to catch syphilis from, in order to complete the true Anzac experience…

Democrats preference deal with the Greens not so much shuffling deckchairs on the Titanic more like swapping positions on a leaky paddleboat…

And the week in trash with Helen Razer:

When we were very young, we held Northern Europe in the highest esteem. Teutonic culture, in particular, gave us only the grim and the pithy. Nietzsche, Mahler and Goethe made me long to feel the cruel barb of German in my throat.

(By-the-by, there is a video produced in Bonn with a title that roughly translates to mean The Cruel Barb of German in My Throat.)

And then, we grew to a sufficient age to acknowledge: David Hasselhof is like a GOD to these people. And not even in a whimsical way. They just actually love him.

From the country that elevated Hoffi, upchucked a song called Schnappi the Crocodile and continues to rival even the pop convulsions of Latvia during Eurovision, comes this. 

It’s an international a-se competition. A chick from Bulgaria won. She does have a spectacular hind quarter. And, probably goes a little way toward proving Nietzsche’s point, “Culture owes its highest achievements to politically weakened times.” It’s a good arse.

Speaking of such, Young Master Sexy Back is in town. Timberlake received excellent reviews for his performance this week.

And, in a benign moment of good judgement, he elected NOT to speak with Vile and Tacky O.

As is the wont of the mediocre and stupid, they were undaunted. The pair decided to reprocess an old JT interview and pass it off as spanking new.

Obviously, this doesn’t merit a cr-p on your part. Even if the Twins of Adipose Thinking had lured Justin to their low show, the result would have been as engaging and honest as a date with Kevin Andrews.

Nonetheless, I do like to see them suffer. Particularly as they are scheduled to supplant the magnificent, and quite hot, Killeen on Big Brother.

Apparently, producers feel that a Gretelotomy will cure the show’s parlous health. Apparently, the feel that a shot of swaggering folly will reanimate this ailing organism. Apparently, they’ve neglected to reflect on the show’s fundamental sh-ttiness.

I wish Gretel the best. I do hope she’s coasting on a monumental pay out.

As those goodly toddlers at Endemol Southern Star search for another low-cost, high-sugar notion, I suggest they workshop something I have in development.

It’s called: Where’s Ben? 

Send me your loathing, links and louche ill-founded gossip: helen.razer@bigpond.com