When the credits came up after last night’s Today Tonight Zarah Garde-Wilson “exclusive” report, the Kookas almost expected to see “directed by Sergio Leone and with musical scores composed by Ennio Morricone” such was the tedium of this spaghetti-western version of the great Melbourne gangland wars.

Today Tonight promised us “Garde-Wilson speaks for the first time about the lies, the rumours, the murders and the man she fell in love with” but she did nothing of the sort. All we got was a chick flick with a few tears and a good view of her child-bearing hips from the recent GQ photo shoot.

It was billed as Underbelly’s final chapter but it was just tawdry titillation television. Zarah was said to have been paid $90,000 for her “revelations”.

The Kookas don’t care much for chick flicks on who fathered her child, but we bet the boys in Barwon Prison’s Acacia Unit were watching. The Mokbel Brothers (Tony, Milad and Horty) are altogether now. Evangelos Goussis, found guilty last month of murdering underworld patriarch Lewis Moran, is also in the four-prisoner compound in the maximum-security unit.

We also watched Schapelle Corby: The Hidden Truth on Sunday. No wonder the woman is depressed about being in jail. We won’t watch any more. Too scary.

We will be watching though for the next installment of Roberta “Hardface” Williams and Big Mick Gatto on A Current Affair this week.

According to The Manly Daily, Williams was wandering all over the Manly peninsula on Friday asking the good burghers of the North Shore: “HI I am Roberta Williams, have you seen Underbelly? I was just wondering if you think that I deserve a second chance?”

Said the paper:

Williams talked openly about life with her one-time husband Carl Williams, who is serving 35-years for three murders in Melbourne’s gangland war, as mayhem. “I can’t describe in words what it was like, honestly it was f—ing madness from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep, total mayhem.”

The Kookas reckon the good thing about the spaghetti western subgenre was that they were cheap and nasty American westerns made by Italians in Spain. Hardface Williams plans to one day share a weekend retreat at Palm Beach with Nicole Kidman is about as spaghetti as ganglands can possibly get.

Big Mick’s coming back to the Nine Network this week because he wants to kill Derryn Hinch. Seven even wanted to set up a studio face to face bout with Deryn and Big Mick.

“Wouldn’t be seen in the same room as the thug,” said Deryn. 

Pity, I think even the Kookas could sell tickets to that match.