Guys, we’re in trouble.

My assistant was reading the internet to me this morning, and do you know what she said? She said that the average punter doesn’t think the filter is going to work. We’re spending a couple of hundred million dollars on this thing! If John and Jane Easy-to-Scare think we’re wasting money in the middle of the GFC, we’re f-cked, okay? F-cked.

We’ve got to get the punters back on-side.

Leaking the list was a good start. Lots of scary-sounding websites, “violent” this, and “r-pe” that and whoever came up with the dentist? Genius; it is touches like that that make me proud to be part of this shadowy conspiracy. People are scared of the dentist; it’s painful and expensive and wasn’t someone r-ped at a dentist once? Why, it’s almost as if “false-positives” in the list are a good thing! Nicely done.

In 1960, I bet if you told an American that men would walk on the moon, they’d have said you were crazy, then robbed you at gunpoint. But as soon as the Americans faked that moon landing, all those doubting pieholes became true believers.

I want you guys to find out what can we learn from the American experience, and how we we might apply those learnings to the trial. I want it on my desk by the end of the day.

Look, we’re doing good work. The Lord’s work. We can’t allow these Mountain Dew-sucking deviants to keep running circles around us. Get your sh-t together, get me some answers, then get me a latte and a mini-muffin.

Lots of love,

Fake Stephen Conroy

Disclaimer: I am not some Trustafarian who floats from day to day, cafe to cafe, pondering life as he wraps surgical rubber around his arm, ready for a kick in the head from Mr Horse.

And so, in the spirit of openness and transparency, I must disclose the following; I work for a living.

Specifically, I work for Telstra; a wonderland that is equal parts Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Brazil. A world full of brilliant people doing incredible things that will forever change the telecommunications landscape blahdy blah blah. The point is, I work for them. In return, I get a big fat paycheck which I use to pay the rent, buy coffee, and see a therapist.

However, given my allegiance, everything I say should be parsed through a mental filter. For example, if I post a photo of delicious Italian pan-seared trout, ask yourself; is this part of a vast conspiracy to outsource call centres to Italy? Or trouts? And just what is the significance of the pan?