Principal Imre Kevorkian addresses the staff of Lowbottom High.

Good morning, everyone. I just wanted to speak to you about the fact I cannot speak to you.

I’m not sure I haven’t already breached the terms of the, er, thingy devised by the, um, entity which all principals are required to sign. You may have read something of this in the paper (I think I’m permitted to say paper, just not which one) in which case you know more about it than I am able to impart to you today.

What I do wish to emphasise is that any comment on the whatsit will have dire consequences for our funding not to mention the personal safety of yours truly. At this stage of my career I really do not wish to be holed up in a Chinese prison discussing the mineral-weighted index with multinational mining executives.

I suppose the question you’re asking yourselves is why the entity is insisting on secrecy in the first place.

I’m probably going out on a limb here but it does rather seem to us principals that the entity is motivated less by a concern for education, the so-called Number One Priority, and more for Number One. Yes, folks, I am afraid that we are mere planks in the platform for the coming state and federal elections. That would certainly explain the boot prints on my back.

I have called this briefing, then, to encourage you to put on a positive face when the Minister arrives next week — for a full 6.5 minutes, according to the schedule in front of me — to unveil the plaque commemorating the entity’s generous contribution to the new whatsit centre.

As the Minister will no doubt reiterate for us, whatsit is the technology of the future.

Enjoy the rest of your day, everyone. Oh God, did I just say “technology”? Does someone have a spare toothbrush?