And so another Australia Day is behind us, and once again it has stirred up the ancient arguments that seemingly define this nation more than any political or military achievements: Republic or monarchy? Terrible national anthem or even worse national anthem? Ford or Vegemite?
And, of course, there is the perennial debate over the flag. We’ve been asked to consider changing the flag, a proposal that has outraged many people who point out that the flag we currently have is part of our history; there is no doubt that it represents us as a people extraordinarily well, the combination of stars and Union Jack standing testament to our heritage as a nation of British astronomers. There is also the fact that our forefathers fought for this flag, in myriad wars. I confess I’m a little confused by this fact: would they still have fought if it’d been a different flag, or were they fighting for that particular aesthetic configuration? It does seem an awful lot of effort to go to for what is essentially a two-dimensional image, but I suppose it is a lot prettier than the German flag, so one can understand their fervour.
But the issue of changing the flag, as worthy as the incumbent is, is complicated somewhat by the fairly recent development regarding the flag-as-fashion. Because in latter years, some people – as I hesitate to use the word “bogans”, let us simply call them the Differently Suburban, or DS for short – have taken to treating the Australian flag less as a standard to bear high above the heads of patriots, to inspire in battle and lower in tragedy, than as clothing.
And frankly, DS people, it’s not really working for you.
For a start, it’s completely asymmetrical, which gives it a messy, haphazard sort of look, as if it were slapped together on a whim. Wrap it around yourself and you’ve got stars over one shoulder, the Union Jack round a hip, Federation over your crotch – it’s a hodgepodge.
What’s more, it sends a disturbing message about Australia and its people. Put yourself in the place of a foreigner, watching our national celebrations on one of those 24-hour global news channels that are all the rage these days. You see an assemblage of young Aussies standing about with flags wrapped around them. What is your automatic and quite natural first thought?
That’s right: these people can’t afford clothes.
Why else would someone wear a flag? Good God, those foreigners must be thinking; what a poverty-stricken, godforsaken country this “Australia” must be, that it cannot afford to clothe its own people. That they are so desperate they must steal flags, doubtlessly from the corruption-funded palaces of the cruel and avaricious oligarchs, to wrap around themselves as a shield from the elements. What sort of modern democracy lets its citizens go about with a meagre flag as their only protection from the harsh winds?
I am afraid, my fellow Australians, that this flag is making us look like a nation of hobos.
And the habit of wearing clothes based on the flag is, if anything, worse. You see these people walking around, wearing flag t-shirts and flag shorts and flag bikini tops. This is just creepy. It’s like the Australian populace has turned into the Von Trapp family, and our governess has handmade some play clothes for us out of our father’s flag. Which would be all right if the people wearing these clothes could sing, but we know from a long series of Australia Days that this is not the case.
So what is the answer? Clearly, we are not going to stop people wearing flags; the DS folk are stubborn and their minds nigh-unchangeable. So really the only option is indeed to change the flag. To something more fetching. Something that, if draped about the human body, at least doesn’t look like that body’s just crawled out of a cardboard box. If we could actually design a flag that looked like a pair of denim cut-offs and a singlet, that would be ideal, but at least make it something neat and symmetrical, maybe in green and gold, or some soft pastels.
Please, for the image of our great nation, pollies, get onto this. Patriotism and fashion can be compatible, with a little bit of ingenuity and know-how. Don’t let Australia spend another January 26 telling the world it’s a land of tramps and orphans. Let’s get this distraction out of the way so we can focus on the positives, like our many venomous snakes and world-class road-sealing skills.
Let’s make sure the next generation of diggers are fighting for fabulousness.
Wait for the republic referendum (sometime this century, maybe) and send the flag and the national anthem to the same place as the monarchy – which could be where all the used biros are?
Hint: Satire needs to be funny.
HUGH – I’m with you! The flag nonsense is getting worse each year – I blame Howard for starting it. A woman on my local ABC radio this morning rang the US Embassy re their protocols re their flag – there was one sentence that stood out. The US flag is not to be used for or on wearing apparel, manchester and sporting goods I think – like surf boards etc. Indeed! I bet they don’t have cheap ones made in China either? (nothing against the Chinese, it’s just stupid, makes us look like idiots, as well as yobos?)
Another woman commented, that the cheap varieties are a different colour. Look at the expensive flags that govts use, and observe that the background is almost a navy, and then look at the cheap heaps of nonsense bought at a $2 shop or supermarket, and it’s a pretty royal blue! Isn’t it denigrating the flag to wear it on your bum? or use it as a toothpick? or on a plate or serviette?
My kids’ late paternal grandfather lost his leg in WW2 in Tobruk – he suffered for the next 60 odd yrs, particularly in the summer time, as the skin would come off when he removed his stump sock. He never spoke of the war, never idealised the flag and was the first anti-war person I knew. During the Vietnam war, he supported my claim, that they’d ‘never get their hands on my sons’ nor would I allow my sons to kill other womens’ babies? He fought for freedom and the end of tyranny – not the bloody flag! In fact, I don’t think they even had the flag on their uniforms unlike now? Imagine those at Gallipoli, popping up to plant the flag in the ground – they were sitting targets anyway!
I’ll never support the flag while it has the Union jack on one corner, and has no reference to the original custodians of this land. I have 2 small Aboriginal flags, which I admire and acknowledge. Anyway, it’s a piece of bloody material, it’s not a human being????
Not up to your usual standard Ben, but then who is at this time of the year?
As I’m sure you know, the much vaunted bit of tatt posing as our national flag, is in fact an old British naval Ensign. And as such, it is a compromise between the British flag and the second rate, above mentioned, tatt.
Our heart-poundingly, spine-chillingly, proud and dignified national anthem-Advance Australia Where-written by some wretched poetaster to music written by a deaf camel. Is, of course, yet another compromise. A large section of the community wanted to retain the English national anthem. An even bigger slice of the community wanted anything but that tired old cliché. Result? One turgid dirge whose lines might be known to one in one hundred and fifty Australians.
I defy anyone to write about these two subjects without breaking-out granddad’
s Samurai sword and swearing to wreak vengence.
VENISE – Happy New Year to you and yours! Indeed to all!
Have you heard the version of the national anthem by Judith Durham of the Seekers fame? A couple of yrs ago now I think. She wrote the new lyrics with aboriginal people, and while I can’t remember the words, I was pretty impressed at the time – they’re certainly a lot better than the divisive and untrue lyrics of the present one. Like the flag, I’m not impressed with the anthem either!