At lunchtime on the Wednesday of grand final week, in the 200-metre walk from the office to the pizza shop, I saw three people wearing Collingwood jumpers. That’s a good enough reason for me to start drinking.
If, like me, your team has failed miserably in 2010 and the only motivation you have for watching the granny is to pray that Collingwood chokes, then you’re probably looking forward to a few frosty beverages to wash away the pain.
This drinking game, carefully developed and honed over the course of many, many minutes, will hopefully be your remedy to what could otherwise be a tragic day. Here’s the rules:
- Every time a goal is kicked: drink twice
- Every time a behind is kicked: drink
- Every time a behind is kicked by Travis Cloke: don’t drink — we want you to last the whole game.
- Every time the umpire has to redo the centre bounce: point, laugh, drink.
- Every time Dane Swan touches the ball: say “bad luck buddy”. Last one to say it drinks.
- Every time the commentators refer to Lenny Hayes as “heroic”, “gutsy” or “working-class”: shout “THAT’S A F-CKING CLICHÉ!” at the TV and drink angrily.
- Every time Zac Dawson gets the ball: cross yourself and say “please God, don’t let him screw up”. Last one to finish drinks.
- Every time Zac Dawson actually hits a target: everyone shouts “Hallelujah!” and drinks twice.
- Every time the Collingwood fans boo Stephen Milne: join in and drink.
- Every time the camera cuts to an angry Mick Malthouse: yell the swear word of your choice. Last one to swear drinks (and incurs Mick’s wrath).
- Every time the camera pans to Joffa in the gold jacket: run out of the room in disgust. Last one to get out of the room has to skol and sing the entire Collingwood theme song.
- Every time Stevie Baker (if he plays) gets into a fight: don’t drink (the Travis Cloke rule applies here).
- Every time Justin Koschitzke gets injured: punch the person to your left in the arm. Drink if it hurts.
- Every time Simon Prestigiacomo kicks a goal: skol the rest of your drink. Open a new one. Skol that. And a third. Then take off all your clothes and run down the street shouting “the world is coming to an end!”.
Drink up, and may the best team lose, and be ridiculed for losing yet another grand final, and cop a spray from Mick, and continue to disappoint for years to come.
*Crikey encourages its readers to drink responsibly. Always drink responsibly, you idiots. Unless, in the likely event Collingwood wins, then go nuts. No one will notice. The cops will have too much on their plate to deal with your idiotic self.
hane