Headline writers, particularly those constrained by narrow columns in tabloids, have opted for some decidedly weird wording in describing what the Liberal Party’s rejection of a conscience vote on gay marriage will mean for Tony Abbott’s political fortunes.

The Daily Telegraph has found the four electoral seats with the highest number of same-sex couples (unsurprisingly they are the inner-Sydney seats of Grayndler, Sydney and Wentworth, plus Melbourne, and for what it’s worth, all four of those member support same-sex marriage) and went with this headline:

Our favourite is on the front page of today’s Herald Sun, with this gem on a story about the Prime Minister threatening to sack any frontbencher who crosses the floor on a gay marriage vote. “Gay rebels” sounds like a pretty bad-arse motorcycle gang to us …

Also in the Hun, on page 8 in a longer version of the same story. MPs are told to “toe the gay line” …

This one from yesterday’s Hun is puzzling — we didn’t know Liberals got any sex while they voted, but apparently they do, and only of the familiar kind …

The Courier-Mail, confusingly, thinks the debate is not about whether gay people should be able to get married, but about the ceremonies themselves. Should we have beef or chicken? Roses or lilies? A cake made of cheese? So many wedding debates …