US President Donald Trump’s 30-point, uncomplicated healthcare policy to replace Obamacare has been released* exclusively to Crikey. Completely unedited, the points are as follows:

  • TrumpCare has been devised by top experts in the fields of health insurance and money-possession to bring fairness and efficiency to the healthcare system;
  • Under TrumpCare, all Americans will be required to be fully insured, with some exemptions;
  • These exemptions include Americans who, due to religious beliefs or committed personal fetishisation of suffering, do not want to be insured;
  • Also exempt from the requirement to be fully insured are those Americans who, due to religious beliefs or family tradition, have chosen to be unable to afford it;
  • Those who have made the decision to have enough money to buy insurance will be able to choose from a wide variety of insurance providers, who will compete fiercely for customers, thereby keeping prices low;
  • In the event that the aforementioned fierce competition fails to keep prices low, TrumpCare includes a legislative requirement for all insurance providers to look deep into their hearts and ask themselves what would Jesus do?
  • Individual policy-holders will be eligible for major discounts on health insurance if they stay two or more nights at a Trump hotel;
  • Insurance providers will be required to offer coverage to anyone who wants it;
  • “Anyone who wants it” shall be defined as including anyone who would like to be insured, but excluding anyone who has been examined by an insurance company investigator and determined to be insincere and/or not really their kind of person;
  • Those who are struggling to afford health insurance will receive subsidies in the form of vouchers, which can be exchanged for Band-Aids and aspirin at local gas stations;
  • Under TrumpCare, individuals with pre-existing conditions will not be allowed to drive premiums up by demanding coverage. Instead, TrumpCare will cut the problem off at the source by rolling out a national awareness campaign educating Americans on the importance of avoiding pre-existing conditions;
  • Individuals with pre-existing conditions can, however, gain a limited amount of coverage by choosing the “Heaps o’ Health” membership package at Mar-a-Lago;
  • Pressure on emergency rooms will be eased under TrumpCare by privatising all hospitals and making the doors harder to open;
  • TrumpCare will simplify the process of buying health insurance. Simply go to Trumpcare.gov and select your income bracket and ethnic background from the drop-down menu;
  • If your selections match those that qualify for medical assistance under TrumpCare, you will then be asked to tick a box beside each medical condition that you would like to be covered for;
  • One of these medical conditions is “the Whammy”, a fictional disease. If you tick the Whammy box you will be disqualified;
  • Next, upload a full-length nude selfie so that TrumpCare physicians can assess whether you have any unsettling deformities;
  • You will now be asked to submit an 800-word essay explaining why you deserve health insurance;
  • Fill in your employment details: industry employed in, position description, annual income, opportunities for advancement, relationship with supervisors, willingness to work overtime or inform on unionised co-workers, etc;
  • Provide payslips as proof of the above;
  • Provide 10 recent bank statements;
  • Provide US birth certificate;
  • Provide driver’s licence;
  • Provide children’s school address and timetable;
  • Provide list of worst fears;
  • Sign statutory declaration guaranteeing that you have never been to Mexico;
  • Next, you will be asked to choose from a list of health insurers who have signed up to participate in TrumpCare. Again, watch out for “the Whammy”;
  • Once you have selected your preferred insurer, you need only pass a full physical, blood test and brain scan to be placed on a waiting list to receive insurance once someone who already has insurance dies;
  • To streamline the insurance process and make TrumpCare easy to use for all Americans, you will not be forced to endure a complex payment system. Instead, your bank account will be directly debited — the first year’s premiums were withdrawn shortly after you started reading this;
  • Welcome to TrumpCare!

*Obtained via a deep White House source, and (for some reason) leaked directly to Australian satirist Ben Pobjie