News outlets all over Australia have been jockeying for exclusive Schapelle Corby-related content, but many have gone home empty-handed. Luckily for Crikey, we’ve got our best man* on the case.
8am: Schapelle wakes up.
8.01am: Schapelle glances at clock.
8.02am: Schapelle goes back to sleep.
8.03am: Schapelle continues sleeping.
8.04am: Schapelle continues sleeping.
8.05am-8.17am: REDACTED
8.18am: Schapelle wakes up again.
8.19am: Schapelle stands up.
8.20am: Schapelle scratches section of anatomy (body part yet to be confirmed, more on this as it develops, continue refreshing Crikey.com.au for news)
8.21am: Schapelle drinks from glass of what is believed to be water.
8.22am: Schapelle checks Facebook.
8.23am: Schapelle reflects on the explosion of barbarism that has occurred in Western civilisation during her exile.
8.24am: Schapelle puts bread in toaster.
8.25am: Schapelle waits for bread to toast.
8.26am: Schapelle spreads butter on toast, eats it.
8.27am: Schapelle runs shower.
8.28am-8.46am: for access to this time period, subscribe to our Crikey Adults Only service
8.47am: Schapelle checks Facebook again.
8.48am: Schapelle weeps for humanity.
8.49am: Schapelle screams as hideous creature from the depths of Hell walks through front door.
8.50am: Schapelle says “hello” to her brother.
8.51am: Schapelle looks out window to count assembled media.
8.52am: Schapelle displays finger in a manner conventionally considered obscene.
8.53am: Schapelle posts Instagram shot of her smiling face, #blessed #makeeverydaycount #Lorealyoureworthit
8.54am: Schapelle sits on couch.
8.55am: Schapelle gently rubs nose.
8.56am: Schapelle makes soft sighing sound.
8.57am: Schapelle picks up That’s Life! magazine.
8.58am: Schapelle expresses disbelief that Pam of Port Douglas was so foolish as to believe smooth-talking Julio’s lies.
8.59am: Schapelle peels banana.
9am: Schapelle eats banana.
9.01am: Schapelle says to brother, “That was a good banana.”
9.02am: Sounds of shouting, screaming, punching, kicking, clash of steel on steel, cannon fire from outside.
9.03am: Mercedes Corby enters.
9.04am: Schapelle sneezes.
9.05am: Schapelle wipes nose.
9.06am: Schapelle goes to toilet.
9.07am: Mercedes and Michael Corby wait.
9.08am: Mercedes and Michael Corby wait.
9.09-9.19am: Mercedes and Michael Corby wait.
9.20am: Schapelle returns from toilet, suggests going out for brunch.
9.21am: Corbys leave house in car, running down several dozen camera crews.
9.22am: Schapelle turns left.
9.23am: Schapelle drives straight.
9.24am: Schapelle drives straight.
9.25am: Schapelle drives straight.
9.26am: Schapelle sounds horn, abuses pedestrian.
9.27am: Schapelle turns right.
9.28am: Schapelle parks.
9.29am: Schapelle stumbles and falls in puddle.
9.30am: Schapelle punches photographer attempting to photograph wet jeans.
COMING SOON: 9.31-11am!
*Satirist Ben Pobjie
I am so enthralled! Please no more – the excitement may cause me to actually blink
“I saw twa Corbies…” wish they’d go away, permanently.
Ben’s summary is as interesting as those twa
Thanks crikey. Good call out. Care factor less than zero.
A real pro – a hack would have gone through her motions.
Got a good laugh from this. Thanks.