Something is amiss with people of child-bearing age in Tasmania. Stephanie Lauren E. investigates why no one is bonking in the Apple Isle. 

After a centuries-long campaign against reproductive rights amidst tightening economic conditions, residents of Australia’s southern-most state have stopped having sex altogether.

The move follows the closure of Tasmania’s only abortion clinic, and Premier Will Hodgman’s news that surgical abortion won’t be an option under his returning government. With half of Australian women experiencing an unplanned pregnancy in their lifetime, our southern-most state’s residents are turning to the oldest form of contraception in the book: abstinence.

“We are proud to show that as a state, Tasmania is paving the way for national progression,” said Premier Hodgman. “The closure of our surgical abortion clinic provides local women with the unique opportunity to turn a medical procedure into a pleasant interstate holiday.”

But, coming out of its multi-million dollar orgy of an election campaign, the returning Liberal government’s other policies mean the entire “map of Tasmania” just ain’t feeling horny right now.

Tasmania’s population has been deemed the nation’s “unhealthiest, oldest, worst educated, most underemployed and most dependent on government benefits in Australia”. With money increasingly spent on skyrocketing housing costs and the most expensive baskets of groceries in the country, locals report there is very little left over for candle-lit dinners.

“I have been really satisfied with my decision to stop having sex,” says Eunice (29) of Lenah Valley. “It’s been liberating. Rather than forking out half of my budget on things like contraception, I’ve been able to spend that little bit more on luxury items like tampons and, when I’m lucky, rent.”

Eunice is indeed one of the lucky ones. Amidst a record-breaking vacancy rate of just 0.3%, some families are waiting about six months for a place to shack up. Rocking up a tent-cum-family-home at the local showground may not seem like the most appealing space to get down to business. Some locals are calling for a rapid solution including the occupancy of vacant houses they’ve sighted among low-socioeconomic regions of the state’s capital.

The government has cited claims that placing locals back into real houses may see a resurgence in sexual activity. However, our most disadvantaged regions are also populated with the highest numbers of poker machines — proving there are plenty of other activities to do at night. Rather than heading home to their lovers, many are pressing the Federal Group’s buttons instead; a night of passion sacrificed to save our pubs and clubs.

“We all like getting it on, but let’s face it — nothing is as fulfilling as knowing that every dollar I give to the pokies is another dollar donated to the Libs’ pubs and clubs rescue team,” says Gary (39) of Gagebrook.

Young lovers are having trouble hooking up too. Steamy texts remain unanswered due to a multitude of mobile “black spots”, killing communications from up north to way, way down south.

With the Tasmanian state election now wrapped up, we’re set for Liberal domination once again — perhaps the most substantial turnoff of all.