When you’ve been watching popular television in a professional capacity for as long as I have, it’s hard to shake the feeling that you’ve seen it all.
Those big secrets and massive swerves that networks like to advertise using a duo of voiceovers (Upbeat Hunky Man and his colleague, Seductive Bitchy Lady) are usually little more than the same-old worn-out tropes of reality and “factual” programming. In other words, when Ten’s voiceover artist announced that the finale of The Bachelor would shock me, I anticipated experiencing nothing of the sort.
You can imagine my surprise, then, when Nick “Honey Badger” Cummins dumped not one but both of his “final two” at the New Caledonia-set finale of this year’s season. In fact, I screamed at the empty living room, finding myself suddenly thrust into a scene reminiscent of Tootsie’s big reveal (“That is one nutty hospital!”).
Texts went flying left and right, my phone groaning under the strain of the flurry of indignation and disbelief. How could he? Would the top four take out a class action against Ten? Would Ten sue the Honey Badger? Cosmopolitan asked the hard question: what happens to everybody’s bets? (Sportsbet, ever the humanitarians, refunded everyone.)
As my friends and I processed what we’d just witnessed, it became quickly evident that our shock wasn’t due solely to this seemingly unheard of denouement (Cummins was in fact just the first Australian Bachelor to peace out; the 11th US Bachelor, Brad Womack, chose nobody back in 2007 before it was cool). Instead, our dismay and surprise was due to Cummins’ performance, on the grandest stage of all, of the reality of dating in 2018.
Nearly every single woman I know (and more than a few men) have experienced this particular brand of emotionally withholding, commitment averse “romance”.
Bastow, Clem. Modern Romance. 2018. Photoshop, while in a blind rage.
Honey Badger types are everywhere on the human supermarket conveyor belt of Tinder: they love “banter” and “laughs” with “the lads” or “the boys” (“yeah the boys”), and most things in life are undertaken “all in good fun”.
If you’re lucky they might call themselves “ethically non-monogamous”, saving you the trouble up of trying front, but through it all, there’s a reticence towards any sort of emotional intimacy that suggests — as Cummins’ “she’s out there” did — an apocryphal perfect match floating forever just out of reach.
“Nah,” these types are always thinking, “I reckon there’s someone better out there”– even when Osher Gunsberg has just presented them with two dozen smoking hot babes on a silver platter.
Dare to suggest that, as this year’s contestant Cassie did, “hanging out” on multiple occasions over a course of time would indicate a relationship of some sort and you’ll be met with a blank stare. The Honey Badger might send you a few half-hearted 2am “haha and then what ;)”-type texts as your dalliance enters its death rattle, but soon he will be too busy to engage with you at all: he’s hanging out with “the boys” or, perhaps, doing a solo trek through the Kokoda Trail.
The tears came quickly last night when Brittany urgently told the off-camera producer she wanted to see Sophie, rushing to commiserate with her fallen comrade. If there’s a silver lining to this nightmare, it’s that the women of The Bachelor — like my friends, and the women who populate my Instagram comments with “SAME!” stories of dating woe — have undergone a bonding ritual that will be hard to tear asunder.
It seems it was really a finale of firsts: for once, the true treasure really was the friends they made along the way.
“The Bachelor’s shock finale was a horrifying satire of dating in 2018”
And this “thing” is a horrifying satire of reportage for the ages. Oh and if you start getting texts for more of this sort of trash…chuck your phone out the window.
RabidHamster you are so right…it’s terrifying but true things have deteriorated in the land of free to air tv & social media..as we all probably realise these programs are pitched at the level of the intellectual capacity of the average 8 year old… (which is unfortunately sad but true) the only sensible thing would probably be to toss the phone out the window…
Probably better than pretending he was in love with one of the girls for the cameras, then dumping her a few weeks later, isn’t it?
People who actually watched the show and didn’t just tune in for the last 20 minutes out of morbid curiosity like me have been suggesting that he was into a woman named Brooke who left of her own accord at the top 3 stage. if that was the case then good on him for not pulling a sleaze move and pretending to be into one of the remaining girls just for some social media appaluse and some nookie. It seems weird to me that this guy is being bashed – mostly people seem to be mad that they didn’t get the promised ending of the Bachelor picking a girl, any girl.
Sure, you can say “he was presented with 25 girls, how could he NOT pick one?”, but frankly that’s a bit cheap isn’t it, suggesting that anyone should be able to find a soulmate out of any group of 25 women willing to come on a reality TV dating show?
Why is none out of 25 wierd? I tend to think that “we don’t find love: love finds us”. Aside from the fact that I refuse to watch reality TV period and this article is, like the show, contrived nonsense, think about this. Take 1,000 women. I would only be interested in those who are my intellectual equal or better – so there goes 900. Take out another 50 because they are committed to a religion, smoke, drink to excess, are too neurotic or are simply not appealing. there’s 50 left. Take out another 40 who don’t find me remotely appealing (or think I’m too neurotic) and at best, there are 5 to 10 left. Out of those, probably only 1 or 2 would be interested enough and interesting enough to bother pursuing or being “pursued”. That is one in 500 or 1,000. A UK economist did a mathematical study of 30 million women in the UK and concluded that there were no more than 26 who would be “possibles” for what he wanted – don’t we tend to say “one in a million”. That’s a trite bit of fun, but the odds of finding a genuine life partner in a manufactured situation are not that great. On top of that, how many of the women in The Bachelor were feigning affection for the Bachelor for no better reason than that they were competing and wanted to win – after all, this is their shot at being a faux celebrity for a while and nothing will stand between them and fame. Women and men are perfectly capable of faking relationships, but why excoriate the Bachelor for not choosing and assume he must be too blokey to commit or for not giving the expectant, albeit manipulated, viewing audience the “money shot”. Moreover, the puerile flipside of that “unable to commit” ethos is the pathetic “girls let’s stick together against these childish men”. Seriously? The notion that men do relationships badly and women do them well is farcical – the typical woman brings at least as much emotional baggage to a relationship as a man. Granted, stereotypes and social mores have some bearing on this and the way that men and women “do” the relationship thing, but trouble in relationships is most often the fault of both and both genders are notoriously incapable of spotting the things early in a relationship in their partner that will, over the years, drive them batty. I ponder the weekend local paper showing happy married couples – they are enjoying their deliriously happy day into which they invested 12 or more months of planning (and arguments) and ten’s of thousands of dollars in soe cases and yet within 5 to 10 years, at least one of those happy couples is likely to have come to hate each other. Perhaps the Bachelor is a bit smarter than he gets credit for.
I had to check I was reading Crikey. Must be a slow news day. So some guy on a tv dating show didn’t pick anyone. Good on him if that’s how he felt.
In fairness I’d only watch a show like that if tied down and my eyes wired open a la Clockwork Orange. But I’ve seen the promos and they looked like the usual range of plastic make up, middling looks and smarts girls which plenty of guys go for but plenty don’t.
You don’t see any plain but smart and sexy girls in those shows. Nor any really top line looks or a host of other types that make up the world. The whole thing is the social equivalent of top 40 music. Repetitive, narrow, unoriginal and uninspiring.
Life’s too short …..
So, now, as I understand it, here we have one male bimbo choosing from a herd of female bimbos, with whom to breed little bimbos, in the name of mass entertainment.
Now, the male bimbo chooses not to choose any of the female bimbos….. and the world stops turning?
Where does anything remotely entertaining, informative, interesting or meaningful come into this crap?
couldn’t agree with you more Mark…I’m the same as you…it’s all too trite & stereotyped to even consider watching….