Russian multipart novels typically end with a short comic story that recapitulates the entire plot in farcical terms. How lucky we are that Australian politics has taken up that form! A decade on from the election of Kevin 07, our sixth prime minister since John Howard has turned out to be an absolute blithering idiot. ScoMo rounds out the series, not with the mediaeval strangeness of Tony Abbott, the exhausting delusions of Malcolm Turnbull, or Kevin Rudd — last seen as a relentlessly saluting golden cat on the shelf in Richo’s Chinese restaurant — but with plain old-fashioned suburban crapness. Tony’s from Mordor, Malcolm’s from a Six Sigma roleplay at Abu Dhabi University, Kevin’s from space, but ScoMo’s from the Shire.
The measure of ScoMo’s doltishness is that whole fiascos go through to the keeper without much attention. Last week, in the lead-up to the Wentworth brouhaha, the Israel embassy sideswipe and the “white people” vote, entirely obscured two other beauties: Morrison losing control of his own named website, and his use of the Forrest Gump line “life is like a box of chocolates” as a warning against voting independent.
The latter is the more deliciously interesting. Forrest Gump is a grinning moron, the movie version of his life assuring Americans that they would be happier if they were deeply stupid, and knew only one thing: that life, like a box of chocolates, is full of good things*. Different and mysterious, but good. ScoMo, if he thought about the metaphor at all, didn’t understand, which makes the Prime Minister of Australia dumber than Forrest Gump. Makes you proud.
But the altogether more ordinary matter of letting your website lapse. Well, anyone can do it, but if the anyone you are becomes prime minister, these sorts of details jump from being least to most important in your political self-management. It’s the failure to recognise that change in status that suggests a real lack of grasp.
That’s the picture emerging of ScoMo, at the ragged fag-end of this era. Mr Tony was Captain Queeg, eventually needing to be locked in his cabin; Malcolm had a touch of the David Brents; but ScoMo is just a crap boss, removed by an earlier government from his job at the head of Tourism Australia. At least David Brent could play guitar.
The interesting thing about ScoMo’s incompetence is that what you see is what you get. Rudd, Abbott and Turnbull were all “visionaries”, whose self-regarding big picture stuff served as an excuse for incompetence with detail (Gillard is excluded from this because she was utterly competent — mostly in extending neoliberal statism into ever wider areas of Australian life). Scomo claims no big picture. He presents himself as just like your average Aussie, presumably by being not very good at a mid-level job he got by default.
Who can’t identify with that? What Aussie hasn’t crouched in their office/hotspace/breakroom, wondering when they’ll be found out? Who hasn’t left renewing a website till tomorrow, to get home for The Block? Who hasn’t written a presentation on wet ones, pressed against the dashboard, in the morning gridlock (“ordering bulk office supplies is like a box of chocolates…”) only to find it unreadable at the podium? Maybe this is ScoMo’s last chance, do an uber-Howard: not merely “I’m just like you”, but “I’m crap like you”.
“Look,” ScoMo would say wearily. “I’m not up to this job, but you’re not up to yours either. You don’t really know what your supposed to be doing half the time, in between Facebook and Fortnite sessions, and really neither do I. But haven’t you had enough of those wankers who reckon they’re on top of it? Shorten and Bowen wawawawa we’ve got a plannnnnn. Sucks. My plan is to get home early — renewing the office fire insurance can wait till tomorrow — and watch The Block. If that’s your plan too, vote us back in. The Coalition’s like a box of chocolates: a few stale toffee types, a selection of nuts, and no one knows what Montelimar is. Give it a go!”
Who knows? Might hold it at 72 or 73, although even Labor can’t — what’s that Kevin? Another book? Oh, thank you very much. The farce goes on…
*alternatively, he was thinking of the Python sketch about “crunchy frog” chocolates, including the Spring Surprise, where “steel bolts pierce both cheeks”. Given the helpful assistance of both Piers and Bolt to his new government, and the endless comparisons to the Black Knight, such a mental link might have been, as we say, over-determined.
Do you think Scott Morrison is Australia’s Forrest Gump? Write to boss@crikey.com.au to let us know.
Morrison is far more like Jerry Lundegaard from the film Fargo.
A shonky used car salesman who is a bad liar and knows it but cant stop lying even when he knows you know.
In way above his head, he has a scheme to succeed that he hopes will circumvent the need for hard work and ability. The rest of the Coalition front bench are also in the cast…including Barnaby who will be referred to as a “funny lookin fella”
the libs should have realised if scummo was no good at his pre politics stint s as boss of tourism Australia and had to be removed from that plum job he`d go even worse as P.M, this man has no university degrees, no education qualifications or training in economics yet they made him the federal treasurer simply because he supported Turnbulls knifing of clownshoes Abbott, now we have forrest gump as p.m and frydenbrain, Abbott and the beetrooter starring as the 3 stooges in this 3 ring circus they call a coalition, god help Australia, this lot makes trump look sane
” no university degrees, no education qualifications or training in economics yet they made him the federal treasurer”
Added to that, I think he came off as partly or wholly innumerate.
Such was the Ministerial qualification until about the late 60s. However the country had seasoned Permanent Heads and not the political appointments that exist (on plush contracts) now.
Ah Brian, I love it. Very graphic…
Scummo is worse than useless. I’d almost prefer Idiot Boy to come back. Just not Gestapotato.
Rundle goes too far on his attack on Gillard. The other side of her was the RC and the NDIS. As well, the pressure was immense, and Tony Windsor expresses this very well. Making fun of Morrison is silly: the man is a bully with no principles. He is ‘horse-trading’ on children and yesterday’s apology was hollow. Apart from humans, he’s quite happy to be cruel to animals too. The smirk on his face makes him unbearable to look at.
the NDIS is part of Gillard’s neoliberalism – it has inserted market relations and privatisation into the heart of social care, which should be publicly controlled and run (with some internal competition and private providers). Objectively, it has taken us rightwards, and caused immense misery and fear in the process.
Utter rubbish, Guy. Gillard’s NDIS was meant to be a replicate of the very successful New Zealand scheme. Sadly, 5 years of Coalition Government Neoliberalism has utterly undermined it.
I agree with you Marcus .Gillard was not perfect but she got more bills passed with a minority government than Abbott /Turnbull s shambolic government.She also gave us a market based carbon reduction policy which reduced emissions at moderate cost .Had the Liberals not been in power we would have seen a better NDIS model
Is the NDIA not in the process of creating a managed market for disability care? What would you call this if it is not neoliberalism? I’m pretty sure you’re the one talking total rubbish here.
It is *now*, but that is not the same as saying that was Gillard’s intention for setting it up. We’ve had 5 years of Coalition meddling in the NDIS, so I doubt it even resembles the original plan. Much like the NBN & Gonski.
Spot on Marcus. The NDIS is supposed to provide ‘choice and control’ to those less fortunate Australians. Under the coalition, if you don’t choose the most economical item, regardless of suitability, we’ll control you and do it for you and the result is unsatisfactory outcomes and a waste of money.
I’ve really appreciated all this information about the NDIS. As well, with the public service so politicised from Abbott onwards, it’s hard to imagine the management of NDIS appointments of carers being more than chaotic. Now there seems to be further shuffling of the actual NDIS funds; Morrison will deny.
Guy, I don’t doubt there were aspects of neoliberal policy in Gillard’s government, but she took some brave stands, certainly in comparison with Rudd’s let the market decide general position, and his appalling decisions on return to power (and still silent over Gillard’s most honourable departure). Gillard’s time stands out as a move in a progressive direction, and the current ALP Parliamentary team is moving further. Of course some are weak as either performers or policy makers, but a majority, women and men, are clear in their policy approaches, and expectations of good government. I have little hope from the independents in Parliament now, nor from the Greens. The ALP isn’t called the party of Labor for nothing; as well, ICAC, climate change, fairer taxes and repairing of the sadly depleted education and health sectors is a daunting task. Whereas the LNP resemble the US Republican wreckers [minus the republic bit], the ALP is a vast improvement on the US Dems.
Whaa – “”attack on Gillard”?
You might need to read that line again.
It is agreed by anyone with functioning synapses (necessarily this excludes mudorc menials & hateradio shoutjocks) that la Reine Ranga was the most competent PM since… Disraeli.
Morrison is beyond the fringe, his Black Knight “ its just a flesh wound” response to the Wentworth by-election was a classic re run.
Just keep to the Sky (tv) God’s script Scotty.