The coronavirus fatality rate has leapt to 3.4%, having killed more than 3,200 people — including a 95-year-old woman in NSW, the first in the state and second in Australia overall.
Despite the death toll, the royals have kept up their banter as workers fear the repercussions of being quarantined.
Here are some of the latest developments.
Working nine to five (hopefully)
In the UK, healthcare workers — many of whom are private contractors — fear catching the virus and being quarantined will mean losing their homes from loss of income.
It’s a similar story in Australia where university staff — an overwhelming number of whom are employed casually — have already started to be laid off, with Crikey hearing unconfirmed reports staff at universities in Victoria and Queensland are finding themselves out of work.
Other employees around the world have taken precautions to maintain safety while working. One viral video shows hairdressers using tools taped to sticks. Meanwhile, a member of the US congress has slipped on a gas mask for a photo-op (though this seems to be to simply rile voters).
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said a stimulus package to counter the economic impact of the coronavirus crisis will be revealed “sooner rather than later” — Crikey isn’t holding its breath.
Royally above it all
The royals are so removed from the deadly pandemic that they’re happy to joke around.
Prince William was heard chatting with emergency workers in Dublin, asking, “I bet everyone’s like, ‘I’ve got coronavirus, I’m dying,’ and you’re like, ‘No, you’ve just got a cough. It does seem quite dramatic about coronavirus at the moment. Is it being a little hyped up, do you think, by the media?”
At a separate event he quipped, “By the way, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are spreading coronavirus. Sorry!”
Queen Elizabeth was spotted the same day donning gloves at an investitute ceremony, a rare occurrence for the event. At least one of the royals is taking it seriously.
The show must go on… in some instances
In Paris the Louvre has reopened after staff walked out Sunday, fearful of catching the virus from tourists. While visitors can now come to check out the Mona Lisa again, cash payments have been banned to help limit spread.
Elsewhere, the Tokyo Summer Olympics are set to go ahead in July, with organisers saying rescheduling is not an option.
Meanwhile, the release of the latest James Bond film No Time to Die has been postponed by seven months, now coming out in November. Given how many audience members may be self-isolating, perhaps the studio should consider jumping on the streaming-services bandwagon.
Planes, trains and automobiles
We hope you like working from home — chances are you’ll be doing it a lot more.
NSW transport authorities are developing strategies to address coronavirus spread, which could include disinfecting trains and buses more regularly, or simply asking people to stay home if they’re sick.
Other cities across the world have already started disinfecting, with Tehran cleaning buses four times a day.
Taxi drivers in NSW have also been told they can’t refuse rides to people they suspect of being sick (doing so would open up a can of discriminatory worms).
Apocalypse now?
Fear not, regular wipers: Scott Morrison is on the case of the toilet-paper apocalypse. The prime minister has apparently spoken to Coles and Woolworths over panic buying and supply chain issues.
The call may have come just in time. This morning a semi-trailer carrying hundreds of rolls of toilet paper caught fire in Brisbane overnight. Is this cause for martial law?
And finally, it was only a matter of time: the ABC has released a coronavirus podcast, Coronoacast, asking and answering all the important questions.
The loss of a semi-trailer load of toilet paper, is indeed, one of the great tragedies of this current crisis. In this light of dwindling toilet rolls, going the same way as print news, I offer some advice for substitutes, gathered during my camping and fishing days.
Newspaper. Well, it’s rough, but it does the job. It’s best to scuff it up a bit, or moisten it slightly. Of course, print news is on its way out as well, but it should be around for the duration of this epidemic. Please don’t try using glossies; it’s more effort than it’s worth.
Bark. Yes, it’s desperate, but it can work. Use a scraping motion (no pun intended).
Soap, water, and the left hand. Apologies to all left-handed people. This is said to be a time honored method in the Middle East, and it is quite effective if you can will yourself to do it.
Rags. Very efficient, but you’ll need a large supply. Like bark, they are also a problem to flush.
Corn cobs. Best used after having been eaten, and surprisingly effective. (Ignore critics of Deliverance). Of course, extremely difficult to flush. However, if you have a backyard, and a post hole digger, you can get your own disposal system going, and do some good for Mother Nature.
At the end of the day, gentle reader, your best bet is to eat lots of fiber, lay off meat, and hope that it all drops out in a neat, tight package which doesn’t smear or linger. Crikey journos have been waxing strong about the changes that Covid-19 is bringing to our lives; perhaps a change in diet might be one of the few positives.
Very realistic, Sir. Nicely done, too.