Responsibility is a hard pill to swallow. Claiming victimhood when women expose harassment, bullying and sexual violence is much easier — and it’s often done by those very same men quick to call out the “woke brigade”.
Notably, Liberal MP Andrew Laming has used a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as his scapegoat after being caught out harassing women, while The Courier-Mail’s long-time columnist Mike O’Connor has come forth in defence of the boys, arguing 2021 has been hard for men.
Cue my tiny string quartet.
Not all men
O’Connor is convinced men need a bigger platform to list all the reasons why they’re not responsible for sexual violence.
He believes the government should replace the troubled “milkshake consent video” series with men from different generations standing in front of a camera talking about “how it hasn’t been much fun being a bloke in Australia in 2021”. (I think what he’s describing is called Sky News.)
How this would teach consent to school-aged children is completely unclear.
O’Connor said grandfathers would talk about suffering through economic hardship and fathers would speak about the gratitude they had for their wives “keeping the household functioning while juggling the twin burdens of work and domestic responsibilities”.
The women, presumably, would make sandwiches and burst into rapturous applause after each man’s soliloquy.
“If we hear any of our fellows showing disrespect to women, we will come down on them with all our force. That’s our job — protecting the women in our lives, and it always has been,” O’Connor wrote.
Interesting that during this year’s wave of reckoning for sexual violence, O’Connor devoted zero columns to coming down hard on his fellows.
Not only does O’Connor’s argument make absolutely no sense, but it spews dangerous rhetoric. “Not All Men” is the notorious battle cry men employ when faced with the hard truths about sexual violence. One in six women and one in 25 men have experienced sexual assault. Ninety-seven percent of sexual assault offenders recorded by the police are male.
The drivers of sexual violence are power and inequality — such as, for example, assuming your wife should take on the dual burdens of working and childcare, or assuming a bunch of men talking about their hardships would do a better job at communicating consent than female-led experts.
It’s the old adage: every woman knows a woman who has experienced sexual violence, but no man knows a man who has perpetrated it.
Is it ADHD, or are you just a dickhead?
Laming has said he had a “shock medical diagnosis” which explained his erratic behaviour — behaviour including taking photos of a woman as she bent over (police cleared Laming and no charges were laid), harassing women online, driving one to suicidal thoughts, and failing to file official paperwork — which led to allegations of electoral rorts investigated by the federal police.
It’s a spectacular reversal from taking responsibility to playing the victim, one only rivalled by our very own prime minister.
Despite undergoing empathy training (which experts predicted won’t achieve anything) Laming still insists he’s been misrepresented. His friends have also described him as a “dickhead”.
ADHD can be a serious and debilitating condition. It’s underdiagnosed in girls and adults and affects about one in 20 Australians. Symptoms consist of, among other things, becoming easily distracted (and, conversely, a hyper-focus on certain tasks), poor organisation and time management skills, forgetfulness, impulsivity, emotional irregularities, a negative self-image, restlessness, anxiety and a lack of motivation.
None of those symptoms includes harassing women.
The right way to do it
Monash associate professor Steven Roberts recently wrote on the importance of non-violent men denouncing men’s violence, being active bystanders and telling their stories to increase awareness about masculine norms and violence perpetration.
He recounts harrowing memories of domestic violence growing up, comparing it with violence he’d seen perpetrated by women. A slap on the face by a girlfriend — broken noses and threats of murder by his stepdad.
Telling his experiences is “another way of breaking the silence and of making clear that, actually, as men we also know it’s more than just a few ‘bad apples’,” Roberts said.
“Violence is enacted by a significant number of ‘normal’ men.”
I always enjoy reading the articles of Amber Schultz. They are objective, well-researched, very well-crafted &readable & very relevant to the day’s events. I also like the ironic touches, although so many average Aussies, of which there are so many, may typically miss them.
Totally agree!
Playing the victim, well done, double backflip with twist.
It may be a surprise to these right wing men’s warrior groups that there victim status is eerily similar to justifications for women to wear hijabs, etc, because men are weak and unable to control their desires.
Ah, so weak.
But it’s not all men, Amber, not even a majority, not even a middle minority. It’s a small percentage of men. It’s not an excuse, but it’s also true.
The condition he ‘suffers’ from seems to be being a d***head. Not uncommon amongst the members of the Coalition. In fact it seems to be a prerequisite for a preselection.
So right. They also look for someone adept at mendacity, corruption, rorting and pork barrelling. It’s why Scotty from Hellsong has the guernsey.. If there was a Nobel prize for those attributes, he’d street the field every year
You’re right. It isn’t the majority of men but the majority still let it happen and don’t take it seriously by calling out disrespect of women whenever it arises.
There’s one woman a week being killed by their partner or former partner in this country. Every….. Week….
It’s time to choose sides.
“It isn’t the majority of men” now we are getting somewhere.
No one is on the side of rapists. I and most other men here will happily lend you a rope if you need one.
But yes, more could be done to speak up when the problems are seen. However these problems almost always happen in private and are hidden by the victim and perpetrator.
My wife gave herself a big black. She wore it with pride given her sporting interests and yes many people (men and women) pulled her aside and gave her the 3rd degree to see whether it was DV related. I got plenty of questions too. Im glad they did, but it wasnt exactly pleasant.
The vast majority of men dont sit around talking about how they mistreat theirs partners. Those that do ALWAYS have deep seated behavioural issues. It is one thing to abuse in private, but its another thing to tell others.
Men speaking up isnt the magic bullet you think it is.
Dont believe me? Jump on youtube and watch videos of school yard fights or street violence or starts lashing out at shop staff, or watch the evening news or go out to the night club district and see what happens when someone picks a fight, bullies someone or hurls verbal abuse (racial, sexual, whatever). …..All the bystanders either stand around watching the ‘entertainment’ or hurry off to avoid getting involved.
And my point? Neither men NOR WOMEN stand up for others, even when the abuse is on public display. Would you agree?
The frequent exceptions are when an off duty cop is present or examples from third world villages where the perpetrator gets caught and gets an educational beatdown. But by and large, living in an urban environment basically forces people to mind their own business.
What Amber said is right. It may explain some of his behaviour, but it in no way excuses it. He’s still an adult and responsible for the consequences of his actions.
Whether or not he is able to manage his behaviour in the future is something only time will tell.
With regard to “empathy training” for Andrew Laming.
My advice to partners of abusive males who were hopeful of them changing their behaviour, has always been that “you cannot teach empathy to a crocodile”.
Likening men to animals excuses their behaviour – you get that right? Men can’t be controlled so women should accept their violence as standard? Why shouldn’t women hope that the behaviour changes, isn’t that reasonable? Shouldn’t we all expect that their behaviour does change or doesn’t happen in the first place? Your comment is just another apologising for the poor weak male who can’t control is animalistic impulses. Men are capable of emotional and phsyical discipline and pretending that this isn’t the case is part of the problem.
Anna, i think you have an issue with reading way more into peoples comments. I cant fathom why you are responding to Vernons comment the way you do. He is saying the guy is a crocodile and isnt capable of empathy, so dont try. Move to plan B.
You are confusing the inability of an individual to change with the ability of men and society to change. Society can change, some men cant.
Hey Anna – Do you remember typing this comment 3 days ago?
“They need to removed from society and not allowed to participate fully again. Does anyone know someone who has reformed? No. Until that problem is solved, they shouldn’t be allowed in our society.”
You are just making it up as you go, unloading with both barrels on anybody who disagrees with you, and you aint doing your cause any favours.
The sometimes unintentional rebuke: “Wait until your father gets home….” can be viewed by children as collaboration (or tacit permission) for male violence.
Agree. It something we all need to work on. Children shouldn’t be brought up to be afraid of their fathers.
Considering the number of medical diagnoses amongst the ‘government’ ‘ministers’ in recent months I’m starting to worry. Is anyone left well enough to do the job?
Were they ever?