(Image: Private Media)

Leslie Cannold has had enough of being even-handed and presenting Both Sides Now. Now she’s cutting to the chase: what’s the right way to go? In Everyday Dilemmas, Dr Cannold brings her ethical training to your problems. Send your questions to letters@crikey.com.au with “Dear Leslie” in the subject line. She might even reply…

Note: this article discusses domestic violence.

Dear Leslie,

My husband put on sympathy pounds during my first pregnancy and then my second and now he’s overweight. I have made clear it’s not doing it for me, but he says he’s got too much on his plate to do anything about it now, especially because of lockdown, and that I should be pleased because there’s more of him to love. Really?

Turned Off, Sydney

Hi Turned Off,

Thanks for sending in what is a common problem within marriages when one partner gains weight and won’t — or can’t — take it off. There are entire websites dedicated to the issue, and the resentment, distress and discontent the partner who hasn’t changed body shape can feel.

It’s important to know that while your response to your partner’s weight gain is totally understandable and shared by others, it’s not the only one. For instance, some spouses of newly overweight partners find the weight gain sexy or welcome their partner’s decreased attractiveness because they think it make them look better in comparison, or that it will stop their partner cheating.

Which is why it’s so important for you to pick a good time to sit down with your partner and explain how his weight gain, and his reply to the concerns you’ve expressed about it, makes you feel.

It’s also important during this conversation for you to really tune and listen hard to what your partner is telling you about why he’s put the weight on and/or can’t lose it right now. In the same way it’s important that your husband understand the negative impact his weight is having on your libido, you need to walk away from the conversation with a deeper understanding of what’s at stake for him.

For example, what’s his relationship with food? does he use it to comfort or reward himself? Are the obstacles to his losing weight now practical (he doesn’t know what to eat and when) or emotional, including how your response to his increased size is making him feel?

As I hope all this makes clear, the relationship we have with food and weight can be very, very complex. Throw in a relationship newly burdened with the challenges posed by raising young kids and this conversation, while necessary, can become tricky fast. Which is why if you run into difficulties, I’d suggest pursuing resolution with a trained counsellor from Relationships Australia or a similar service.

Good luck,

Leslie

Dear Leslie,

I’m pretty sure my best mate is beating his wife. His wife told my better half and she told me though it’s not like we couldn’t see the evidence. My wife says I have to do something but I don’t know what.

Confused in Melbourne

Dear Confused,

I agree with your better half. Something does need to be done, and quickly, because it sounds like your best mate’s wife isn’t safe.

The best thing for her to do would be to seek immediate assistance from a specialist domestic abuse service about her options. This includes developing a safety plan. On average, one Australian woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner, and you don’t want her joining this terrible statistic. So please encourage her to call police if she is in immediate danger or, if she’s not, to take this important step, even if that’s all she’s prepared to do for now (see this great video for how to safely support victim/survivors).  

You also need to have a conversation with your mate. He’s going to need specialist support to change his behaviour, and this situation offers an opportunity for him to recognise that domestic abuse is unacceptable and to seek help to change.

If you want more situation-specific advice about how to approach the conversation with him than I can provide here, I’d suggest rehearsing it with a counsellor from the Men’s Referral Service or Men’s Line Australia. Both offer specific assistance, information and counselling to help men who use family violence.

These same services are the ones your mate can call to start his recovery journey.

I wish you luck,

Leslie

 If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault or violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au. 

Send your dilemmas to letters@crikey.com.au with “Dear Leslie” in the subject line and you could get a reply from Dr Cannold in this column. We reserve the right to edit letters for length and clarity.