Dancing in night clubs is back. The mirror balls have been dusted off in clubs across the eastern seaboard and the ACT — where MPs will limbo up and down for the final two weeks of the year. But have we lost our groove? Crikey satirist Tom Red takes a look at all the latest jiving-with-COVID dance moves.
The New England Shag A vigorous, ungainly and intoxicating step that leaves dancers sweaty, red-faced and dishevelled, and onlookers aghast.
Faux Trot In which a team of woke, inner-city types slink around the dance floor, leaning a bit more to the left, or a bit more to the right, depending on who else is dancing near them.
The ScoMo Shuffle This is all about elaborate gestures, finger-pointing and the surreptitious laying of hands. If for some reason your partner takes offence at your up-close-and-personal style, declare the dance over, leak their text messages and move on.
The Australian Conga In this boot-scooting spin-off, a squad of conservative opinion writers prance in formation across the dance floor to applaud anyone still doing the ScoMo Shuffle.
The Albo Toss Like the Dance of the Seven Veils, this is essentially an upmarket striptease. As it progresses the dancer enticingly removes more and more layers. Fellow dancers are drawn in, hoping to catch a glimpse of what lies beneath. Sadly in this case, what lies beneath is not a mystical beauty, but a “nice enough, but…” bloke in his Rabbitohs boxers.
Noose Fever With mediaeval origins, this dance macabre is sweeping certain Victorian dance floors. Sometimes it’s performed with wooden props whipped up in Uncle Terry’s work shed up in The Grampians.
The Tim Warp People of a certain age will recognise this as a variation on the new wave classic The Worm. Typically it’s a solo maneuver, only undertaken by the enthusiastically inebriated. After flapping around wildly, the dancer will collide with a waiter, then crash onto a table full of drinks, before ending up face down in a sea of broken glass. At this point the house lights come up and the dancer is sent home to think deeply about their life choices.
The Josh Bunny Dance As annoying as the original Jive Bunny Dance, but now with a staggering national deficit.
Berejiklian Bump This Armenian two-step is more complex than it looks. It begins with a prima ballerina gliding majestically under a spotlight, only to abruptly come to an end when her secret partner throws up on the floor.
Moonwalk A shrewd bit of body-popping where dancers shift their feet in a way that makes it look like they’re moving towards something when, in fact, they’re moving away from it. Sometimes called the Climate Action Krump.
The Frug It Not so much a dance move as a collective floor-clearing caused by a glut of narcissistic posturing from elected rug-cutters.
Blue Hydrogen Hustle Originally performed at masquerade balls, this high-energy frolic is favoured by lotharios and rent-seeking hucksters trying to pass off shit as shoe polish.
The Pole Dance The only dance that matters.
Very entertaining Tom, love your (satire) work (◠‿・)—☆
“When, in fact, they’re moving away from it”. This well describes renewables marketing. The spiel insists that by adding solar or wind (which requires inefficient gas backup), we are moving in the direction of zero emissions. Instead, renewables increases the use of gas.
The waltzing Matilda: a nationals favourite. If no billabong is available, jump out of the window.
The liberal twist: an oldie these days but the voters still haven’t woken up to it so it remains very popular.
The labour shuffle: while it is difficult to detect movement in this dance there will sporadically be a huge uproar as the leader changes.
The greens emperor twostep: as the name suggests this is a copy of the way emperor penguins nurture their eggs through the long antarctic night. Not for the faint hearted.
Has anyone ever seen No Show Sco Mo and Sam Kerr together? Every time I see her celebrate after a goal it reminds me of the PMs backflips.
Berejiklian Bump This Armenian two-step is more complex than it looks. It begins with a prima ballerina gliding majestically under a spotlight, only to abruptly come to an end when her secret partner throws up on the floor.