We’d all hoped 2021 would make amends for the toxic bin fire that was 2020. But we were all dead wrong: 2021 turned out to be even worse.
So with our collective expectations at an all-time low, Crikey satirist Tom Red spent the week knee-deep in goat entrails to see what 2022 has in store. Here’s what he found:
Voices of…
After disappointing election results, the movement will split into two competing factions: Inside Voices, who believe in political change through spiritual wellness, and Outside Voices, who maintain they would have bagged more seats if their T-shirt and shit-posting game was more “street”.
ScoMo
2020: “I don’t hold a hose, mate.”
2021: “It’s not a race.”
2022: “You want fries with that?”
Albo
2020: lose extraneous policies, reveal new vision.
2021: lose extraneous kilos, reveal new glasses.
2022: “Thanks again, Bill, for all of your detailed feedback and suggestions, but we really, really need to wrap this meeting up now.”
Alan Jones
2020: SkyNews (national pay TV).
2021: direct to the people (online).
2022: corner of Pitt and Bathurst streets, Sydney (milkcrate and megaphone).
Language
2020: It is what it is.
2021: Or is it?
2022: I can’t even…
Space
2020: obscenely rich man-babies spend millions trying to get into space for 10 minutes.
2021: obscenely rich man-babies actually get into space for 10 minutes.
2022: the monster from Alien sends an intergalactic “cease and desist” order, threatening to destroy the earth if she encounters any more obscenely rich man-babies.
Finding love
There will be an explosion of micro-targeted dating apps to challenge big guns such as eHarmony, Grindr and Tinder. Highly rated newcomers include:
Kinda: for indifferent, noncommittal daters.
Blinda: for daters who enjoy a drink or 17.
eFervency: for daters moved by The Thorn Birds, The Vicar of Dibley and Fleabag.
eHarlotry: for unsentimental, transactional daters.
eCarpentry: for desperate renovators who can’t get a tradie to call them back via the regular channels.
Streaming TV
2020: Tiger King
2021: Squid Game
2022: The Peter Foster Story: a 17-part musical documentary, directed by Baz Luhrmann.
Reality TV
2020: I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here.
2021: I’m an Epidemiologist… Get Me Out of Here.
2022: I’m fine in here. Really. Just leave me.
Food
2020: sourdough
2021: picnic hampers
2022: Soylent Green
Drinks
2020: home-brew
2021: Aperol Spritz
2022: goon
I needed a good laugh and By Jove you delivered it. Cheers.
2022: sparkling water replaced by tap water shaken hard in a sports bottle
eCarpentry: for desperate renovators who can’t get a tradie to call them back via the regular channels. he he he
Thank you Tom the Red! Now I am going to look up Solyent Green!
Yep sounds about spot on!
I could never understand why the cop (Charlton Heston) had his knickers in such a knot over it – seems like a great idea to me.
Combine and reconstitute with the terrible waste of resources in Logan’s Run, say I – maybe drop the age limit a tad as well.
Or, failing that, Swift’s ‘A Modest Proposal‘.
OOh harsh!
Please by goodness not Alan Jones out the front of the Edinburgh Castle Hotel!! Keep him at the Toaster