When I was a young boy growing up in the culturally diverse suburb of Bronte, my dear mum used to make curry at least once a week. It was a very authentic recipe: chicken, yoghurt and plenty of Keen’s Curry Powder. Yummo!
As I got older, I had extensive training in “cultural awareness” and realised there’s more to curry than Keen’s. So with the help of authentic Indian chefs The Hairy Bikers, I’ve honed my curry-making skills to perfection and love to show them off every chance I get!
This particular curry recipe has plenty of historical significance for me. It played a major part in the story of why I left New Zealand 20 years ago. It features heavily in the Engadine Macca’s fable. And it’s actually what I served to Barnaby the night before he sent those nasty texts about me.
Ingredients
4 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger
1 medium onion, chopped
Lots and lots of spices (I don’t know what they are — they come pre-mixed with the set and costume)
Yoghurt (LOTS — with all those spices, this curry gets hot)
2 pounds boneless chicken, chopped into bite-sized pieces
½ cup cashews, lightly chopped
1 cup coconut milk
More yoghurt
Method
- As with any good curry, it’s important to start preparing early so that the spices have plenty of time to really do their work. I normally make sure I let my publicity team know that Sunday night is curry night by Thursday latest, that way they have plenty of time to identify the key marginal seats where I should go “shopping” for my “ingredients”.
- When I get to the kitchen, everything is all ready to go: the chicken is chopped, the spices are ready and that all-important yoghurt is waiting for me. We love kitchen aids, don’t we, ladies! Mine is called Anna something-or-other.
- Now you’re meant to mix the spices with the yoghurt and then marinate the chicken in that mix, but to be honest, Jen and the girls aren’t big fans of the spice, so I often just pop the chicken straight into the yoghurt and leave it at that. Some mean bullies on social media have pointed out that it’s “not really a chicken korma, is it, you dickhead?” if it’s just chicken and yoghurt, but to that I say: woke leftists are trying to silence me.
- Here comes the bit where I do things a little differently. Most cooks will tell you to pop the chicken in first and brown it, but I don’t like how that looks in photos. So what I do is I chuck the coconut milk into the pan and heat it up until it’s bubbling away. Then I turn the heat off and pop the chicken and yoghurt mix straight in there. Mix it all up and just let it kind of sit there with no heat, and let all the flavour from the coconut milk mix with the yoghurt. These two flavours together are just magic. It’s simple chemistry — I learnt that in my science degree from UNSW.
- Like I told Fifi on Melbourne’s Fox FM radio, I leave the chicken in the pan for a full 45 minutes while I let those magical spices do their work sans heat. While the chicken is soaking in the pan, I get my kitchen aid to order in some authentic basmati rice from the Indian fella down the road.
- Now here comes the best part — the photo op! I love a good photo, so I go and get changed out of my church gear into some “casual clothes” while my kitchen aid plates up my yummy chicken. Then I take some photos, instructing the photographer to make sure the light bounces off the chicken to give it that special gleam.
- Once that’s done, I post it on social for my fans. Then I, Jen and the girls sit down to a nice meal cooked by Jen: overcooked steak, mushy broccoli and bland mash — we love it, everyone goes back for seconds!
Please note there are never any photos of these alleged curries being eaten.
Or any showing people throwing up after eating one.
Nor any of “…those who had second helpings” – perhaps green faces also don’t show correctly when the light hits the ‘wrong way’…?
“Woke leftists are trying to silence me” made me almost spit out my tea. Very funny stuff!
His science degree is just as fake as his chicken korma – a thesis on Marketing The Brethren. I am forever grateful to Crikey, for exhuming it from the Manchester archives. Even back then, he was already “Checking Things With Jen”.
Honestly, Morrison’s chicken curry looked like something poor Buddy the dog chucked up when told he’d have to do another photo-shoot with Scomo.
Thanks for the article.
To me this dish is a disturbingly apposite metaphor for Scummo’s modus operandi. Yes, the main ingredients of the so called “curry”, chicken and rice, are there. However, the necessary treatment of the main ingredient is barely understood or implemented. The colour of the dish remains completely white; the engagement with the delicate and historically rich heritage of flavours is insulting, ill-informed, culturally inept and patronisingly tokenistic. Significantly, the rawness of the outcome, will mostly likely cause severe distress or worse. Instead of any concern for these real world consequences, maximum effort is spent creating the confected, self promoting visual of this deception. Little, if any time, effort. concern or respect is paid to the actual culinary process itself – the whole point of the exercise. Then he shamelessly and blatantly lies to cover his arse. Kinda says it all!