The inevitable implosion of now-resigned NSW Liberal deputy leader Stuart Ayres’ career this week offers a salient lesson for all those seeking to play the game of thrones. When you’re sinking in the quicksand, listen very carefully to what your colleagues say and the way they say it. Crikey satirist Tom Red decodes the sordid syntax of hugger-mugger politics.
What they say: “This is my leader and I’m ambitious for him.”
What they mean: “You still wake up sometimes, don’t you, Clarice? You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs.”
What they say: “At this stage we’re not ruling anything in or out.”
What they mean: “Dear God, please send a war or a flood or a fire or a Pauline Hanson ‘woke-gay-whales-forcing-vegan-vaccine-condoms-down-our-throats’ brain explosion. Anything to get this fiasco off the front page.”
What they say: “We’ve acted swiftly and appropriately by calling for a complete review of this complex and nuanced issue.”
What they mean: “Let’s kick this can as far as we can down a dark and desolate road and hope people forget about it.”
What they say: “I’ve not been made aware of any issues in relation to those matters.”
What they mean: “You’re the minister. You said you’d buried the bodies, shredded the files and shot the Alsatians. What in the wide world of watersports is going on?”
What they say: “Look, I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals.”
What they mean: “Dead woman walking.”
What they say: “She has my full support.”
What they mean: “She’s on life support.”
What they say: “She has my full support, for now.”
What they mean: “Click. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.”
What they say: “She has the full support of the cabinet.”
What they mean: “As we speak, her closest allies are stabbing each other with rusty spoons to get her job.”
What they say: “The gaff-prone minister was hauled into the leader’s office.”
What they mean: “A chat, Tielka tea in the nice cups and homemade muffins.”
What they say: “The embattled minister was carpeted by the leader.”
What they mean: “A chat, a cup of Darjeeling and an Aldi biscuit.”
What they say: “The besieged minister received an absolute bollocking from the leader.”
What they mean: “A chat, a lukewarm mug of Bushells and no biscuits.”
What they say: “The leader read the riot act to the beleaguered minister.”
What they mean: “No cuppa. No biscuits.”
What they say: “This behaviour is hard to square with the person I’ve known for years. This is not the person he is.”
What they mean: “Every f*ckin’ time with this pillock. He’s so dense light bends around him. I called him a recidivist but he thought it was a compliment.”
What they say: “She’s copped it on the chin and is taking time out to reflect on her position going forward.”
What they mean: “She knows the game. If the shoe was on the other foot she’d have sunk those expensive stilettos of hers into my guts before you could say ‘He’s more than a colleague to me, he’s a friend’.”
Perfect! Love your work Tom the Red!
I hope that by “A chat, a cup of Darjeeling and an Aldi biscuit.” Darjeeling, the most sublime of black teas, is not having nasturtiums cast at it …or should that be Camellia sinensis?
Bushells is OK for polishing old silverware but, in a well swung billy, it’s Kinkara every time – “For relaxation and real lift!”.
“This behaviour is hard to square……”
This is the best one! Although all are damned good. Thanks.
That second-last one should be called ‘the Van Onselen’.