It’s the race that stops the nation — though not as effectively as COVID-19.
Crikey satirist Tom Red has fluffed up his favourite fascinator, brushed aside the rate rises, and compiled a comprehensive insiders’ punting guide to the big day. See you all in the winners’ circle!
Diamond Dumper
Rider: G Rinehart
Origin: the Pilbara, Western Australia
A quick glance at the betting markets reveals punters have been deeply confused by this stayer’s temperamental track record. A $15 million plunge vanished into thin air last week, an outcome that rattled all but the most adventurous turf accountants. Serious questions have also been raised about her bloodline.
Mars Attacks
Rider: E Musk
Origin: Pretoria, South Africa
Highly fancied by crypto bros, conspiracy theorists and populists with daddy issues, Mars Attacks cannot be ignored at this distance. Or any other. We know, we’ve tried.
Lobster Mobster
Rider: M Guy
Origin: Greensborough, Victoria
Racing in front of a hometown crowd is usually a big advantage for most horses. Sadly, Lobster Mobster is not like other horses. Winning at this level is difficult, even for intelligent animals. Even if old mate Tim Smith does manage to get into the Lexus Landmark marquee and gee up the “cocaine and casual cruelty” crowd, it will take more than that to bring home the bling.
Marrickville Legend
Rider: A Albanese
Origin: Public housing
This overlooked stayer is well on track to have his best season ever. While some critics question his risk-averse game plan and weight-shredding regime, he looks set to continue his golden run.
Curry for the Country
Rider: M Cash
Origin: Perth, Western Australia
Known best for an idiosyncratic gait and distinctive whinny, Curry for the Country returns to Flemington after a problematic foray in the Middle East. There the occasionally flighty bolter looked spooked by younger runners in the Aleppo Derby. Never won at this distance and unlike to win any new supporters on current form.
Mister Kipfler
Rider: P Dutton
Origin: Brisbane, Queensland
This unfancied former police horse will need luck to impress at this level. His handlers are talking up a new training regime that focuses on softer skills such as smiling, caring and not biting other competitors. But without his vacant, thousand-yard stare and creative belligerence, punters are left wondering what’s the point of the Kipfler anymore. Long shot at best.
Lidia Oh Lidia
Rider: L Thorpe
Origin: Carlton, Victoria
A feisty newcomer who’s made a big splash in a short time. While not short of ticker, this spirited runner can be as unpredictable as a grapefruit’s squirt and tends to treat starter’s orders as more suggestion than direction.
Lowe Act
Rider: RBA
Origin: technically Australia, but there are massive international factors
A dark horse, quite literally. Has made punters sit up and take notice at every one of its past seven outings. Many believe Lowe Act has plenty more big results ahead as the long-running battle against arch-rival Galloping Inflation plays out.
Please Explain
Rider: P Hanson
Origin: Brisbane, Queensland
Seasoned campaigner who has defied the odds many, many times. How this red nag still qualifies for big meets after so many failed attempts is something selectors really do need to clarify.
Bravo! “Starter’s orders…” LOL
Best yet. Lots of chuckles.