Before the Hallmark industrial complex turned Valentine’s Day into the grasping, commercialised behemoth we know today, it used to be cool.
For example, the ancient Romans would celebrate it every February as Lupercalia, a three-day festival of sex, partner-swapping, nudity and drunkenness. Men would sacrifice goats and dogs before tearing around town whipping women with animal hides. As you do.
By comparison, the modern-day Valentine’s Day rituals of oysters, prosecco and fluffy handcuffs seem way less stimulating. But to help shake off its sanitised sameness and bring the blood and the bite back, we asked a few of our favourite public figures to pen some ardent verse.
Peter Dutton, Opposition Leader
Roses are red
But thorny you know
Just like dumb lefties
Who won’t vote no.
Michelle Rowland, Communications Minister
Roses are red
And known for a’rambling
Who knew that Sportsbet
Did online gambling?
Andrew Bolt, Sky News presenter
Jonquils smell sweet
And make me feel frisky
Shame I’m alone
With this 12-year-old whisky.
Anthony Albanese, Prime Minister
Roses are red
Violets are blue
ScoMo’s still spewin’
Boo hoo hoo hoo.
Stan Grant, Q+A host
Agapanthus is blue
See it while walking
I’m now back on Mondays
Where I’ll do the talking.
Ita Buttrose, ABC chair
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I survived Packer
I ain’t scared of you.
Peta Credlin, Sky News host
Roses are pink
Like oleander
Let’s push Dan
Off his veranda.
Karl Stefanovic, Today Show host
Violets are blue
And come in big bunches
For poor old Clarkey?
A bouquet of punches.
Got a verse of your own? Let us know in the comments below or by writing to letters@crikey.com.au. Please include your full name to be considered for publication. We reserve the right to edit for length and clarity.
Voters are red,
Pollies are blue.
I’m voting Green,
How about you???
The Arctic is hot,
the bears are all dying.
But we’re gonna fix it,
and there’s a pig, flying.
Canberra’s clean,
no bribes and no lying,
so I don’t know why
Democracy’s dying.
Fast fashion’s great,
it’s the way of the future.
But I still prefer
good Paris couture.
Were all fibres nat’ral
with nothing plastic
my jeans would be hemp
anyway.
I’m told we produce a million tons of plastic each day.
Even on the 14th of FebuRA.
Since losing my prostate this day really sours,
So I think I’ll just send her – plastic flowers.
Nice work. Especially the ‘Ita Buttrose’ contribution.
Buttrose’s are read,
ABC too,
Now it’s all mine,
Let’s give it the screw.
SCOTT MORRISON:
Albo’s PM
And Liberals are blue
I’ve hocked the ukulele
‘Cos Dragon said they’d sue
As a wise man, I once knew, used to say :
‘Rose’s are red,
Violet’s are blue.
Mine are white,
With a racing stripe’
Surely the best love duet of all time, John Prine & Iris DeMent belting out “In Spite of Ourselves“.
Some Humans Aint Human…..