As voters continue to drift away from major parties, blooming like thousands of democratic flowers are numerous minor, micro and even nano political parties.
On March 25, NSW electors will confront another tablecloth-sized ballot paper featuring an exotic smorgasbord of single issues and pet peeves parading as social change.
But are these bonsai barnstormers barking up the right tree? Crikey takes a quick look under the hood at this year’s models and rates their chances.
Citizens Against Jet Skis Party
This should appeal to all NSW voters, except for a small but passionate cohort of young men who “live their truth” by ruining everyone else’s day by the water.
Citizens Who Think Jet Skis Are Fully Sick Party
On paper these guys (and they are all guys) face a daunting challenge. In their favour, they have a refreshingly honest campaign strategy. Rather than trying to convince voters jet skis aren’t annoying, the party’s key message is that if they weren’t hooning around the local waterways, they’d be doing something just as annoying in your neighbourhood.
Aussies Against All-Staff Emails Party
This should be popular with most white-collar workers, apart from CEOs, building managers with lift-maintenance updates, and Cheryl from accounts, who organises the gold-coin collection for mufti Fridays.
Your SUV Is Way Too Big Party
Turramurra tractors are a darkly polarising part of modern urban life, a schism that crosses class, taste and politics. The does-size-matter debate is inflaming passions about everything from saving the planet to bagging a bingle-free spot at Westfield.
The New Rum Corp
The NRC believes, with some justification, that NSW will never be free from corruption. Knowing that, it argues we may as well do it in the proper 1800s style. It promises big whiskers, sea shanties and lashings of rum. The party is expected to do well in Sydney’s inner west where ridiculous bushranger beards, terrible singing and artisanal distilled grog are already a thing.
Bring Back Bitzers and Mongrel Dogs Party
Spurred by the unstoppable rise of the canine industrial complex and the proliferation of WhoopsyDoodleSpoodle breeds, the BBBAMD Party seeks to redemocratise our relationship with “fur babies”. The party is flogging ripe nostalgia for a mythical time when Buster could wander off to visit Lady, and a few months later there’d be a box full of fluffy, genetically robust puppies to give away. No obscene profits, no breed envy, and dogs that can run without a breathing apparatus or psychological support. The nostalgia is totally bogus, of course, but no more so than the good-old-days flannel peddled by major parties.
We Don’t Want To Use Online Ordering Apps When We’re Right Here in the Café Party
Does what it says on the tin. They’ll get my vote.
We Have No Idea How Crypto, Blockchain, NFTs or AI Work and We’re OK About It Party
One of many anti-tech-bro micro-parties, this mob exists simply to cry “shenanigans” at the bare-faced hucksterism of late-stage capitalism. They have the not-unreasonable view that self-styled techno-libertarians such as Sam Bankman-Fried may not be that interested in making the world a better place after all.
The anti online order app when you’re in the cafe party has my vote!
Me and a few of the gang are heading up the “Micro Brewery Party”…. it’s small beer yet, but we’re working to ferment more interest.
we will decide who rides jet skis in this country and the circumstances in which they ride!
Excellent, Mr Red.
Your SUV Is Way Too Big Party – love it. Where do I sign up?
Oh come on, where am I going to park my RAM, Chevie Suburban or Ford F350 now??