The Jock Wrap: The Crikey Patented Opinion-o-matic is angry!

This week, it was Easter. And sport is like the spirit of Easter — because sport, like chocolate, you can never have enough. And God loves sport because there was rugby on Good Friday and AFL on Easter Monday. Anyway, Crikey’s Production Manager Leigh Josey and cartoonist First Dog on the Moon look back at the week in sport.

Leigh Josey: Morning Mr Onthemoon. Happy Easter and all that. Have a good break? Haven’t seen you since last Thursday. You look well. Almost glowing.

Firstdog Onthemoon: I am glowing. There was a nasty radiation spill in the cordial aisle at the Simms on Barkly St on Friday. I got it all over me.

Leigh Josey: Interesting. I thought you may have been excited as the Bulldogs posted their first win of the year against Richmond. I assume you went to the game. How was it?

Firstdog Onthemoon: It was boring! It was an excellent way to spend an evening. The dogs weren’t great but Richmond were awful. We know more about Richmond than we do about Footscray after that. The Moleman was good, and Barry was good. Our Brownlow medallist was great. We scored 120 points and Barry only kicked 1 so all in all it was a reasonable hit out. I am advised that Richmond had some players at the game as well. And your mob did alright too I hear. Should we all be quaking in fear of the purple peril or is it just a blip?

Leigh Josey: Freo are second on the ladder. That’s weird enough. It’s like the Bronco’s being on the bottom of the NRL ladder. Something’s happened. The magnetic poles have reversed and the four horsemen of the Apocalypse may well be heading our way if Freo somehow get over Geelong at Subiaco next week. I’d just like to say kudos to the Bombers fans at Etihad on Sunday. Especially my friend Adam. They expected to win and didn’t. And were humble losers. Losers though nonetheless.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah yeah. My friend Vito said the pies fans were well behaved after they robbed the Dees at the G as well. Poor Dees – although a loss like that is almost as a good as a win under other circumstances, or something. Isn’t it a funny old game!

Firstdog Onthemoon: Was there any other sport this week?

Leigh Josey: Indeed there was Mr Dog. Round 4 of the NRL saw the Melbourne Storm extend their winning streak to four and remain on top of the table. Which is interesting, given Malcolm Knox’s article for Crikey and Back Page Lead last week. And as I previously said, the Bronco’s are rooted (perhaps figuratively) at the bottom of the NRL table — for such a strong club, it must hurt.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah but they are from Queensland so they must have learnt to live with pain by now. I must say that I am quite impressed with the Crikey Sports blog. There appear to be a number of people on there who know what they are talking about — and me too!

Leigh Josey: Ha! I think it’s also about time to give the Rugby Union Super 14s some love. The NSW Waratahs sit on top of the table. I’m just going to put this out there: I reckon the Super 14s have the coolest names in team sport. From Waratahs to Crusaders to Highlanders. Slightly better than Dockers.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Our Super 14s Twitter Correspondent is currently not available so I will have to get an opinion from the Crikey Patented Opinion-o-matic. I shall just set the subject to “Sport” and the viewpoint to “Angry”, and I’ll calibrate the Attitudinator to “Credible”. Flick that switch, pull this lever and…. tick tick tick DING! “Yeah Lethal, I reckon it’s a load of shite and they are all frock wearing mass murderers! Point of Order Mr Speaker you giant rabbit schtumping pansy!!!!” Ooh sorry, looks like I had it set to Question Time instead. Might have to do some work on that one in the off season.

Leigh Josey: Ahhh, the Crikey Patented Opinion-o-matic … I think Sam Newman has one of these. Also 800 metre world champion Caster Semenya, you know, the girl who might be a guy. And no, I’m not talking about Lady Gaga. Anyway, Semenya’s IAAF gender results are now not being released until June this year. What are your thoughts on this perplexing issue Dog?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Leave Lady Gaga alone. Anyway gender in sport is way overrated because so what if all those women have penises, some of my best friends are penises and I don’t hear them complaining about Lady Gaga winning at the high jump because of her betweens. No, they have better things to do like, I dunno, penis stuff.

Leigh Josey: Speaking of penis stuff. Tiger Woods. He’s back at the US Masters this week and it’s big news. A lot of people hate him now. But not my dad and every other mad golf fan. They love him. It’s going to be really good drama, the golf. Worth watching I reckon.

Firstdog Onthemoon: No, it is golf.

Leigh Josey: Ha! At all?

Firstdog Onthemoon: At all what? At all golf? [Insert Golf Complaint from the Crikey Patented Whinge-o-tron here] I mean Tiger. Golf, sex. Who cares, I know I don’t. Not sure if I am the right person to be a sports commentator this week.

Leigh Josey: OK fair point. And you are! And I agree! I can’t stand all the Tiger/sex/etc crap, but he’s one of the greats — playing at the Masters. A place of dreams, is Augusta. And I’ll be watching. Anyway, I digress. Underreported sports of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Doodle Jump! It is a disgrace that this marvellous pastime is ignored by the Mainstream Media! What are they afraid of. It is a simple game in that all you have to do is get the Doodler up to the top while all sorts of clever obstacles try to stop you but you can get a rocket pack and a propeller hat. I have included some screen shots from a game I saw on the weekend.

Leigh Josey: What clever obstacles? Who is playing this game?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Clever obstacles? Some of the cleverest. Doodle monsters! Black Holes! Andrew Demetriou! It is deadly. And only the strong survive. Can you smell what Doodle is cooking?

Leigh Josey: Indeed. My vote for underreported sport of the week goes to pole dancing. I agree with Kylie Mills from NZ — it’s a disgrace that this most noble sport is not on the Olympic calendar. Sportsperson of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Sportsperson of the week, almost Brodie Moles, the Moleman, for cheering up me and my friends at the footy, but no, it is a true hero this week. It is someone who crosses the great divide between all sports, who unites us all and who is utterly a champion in every way and no one would disagree, it is Doodle! For continuously going up and up and up in spite of the many obstacles put in his way.

Firstdog Onthemoon: And this just in! My friend Carl’s chicken Huddo! Who is a most excellent chicken and could probably ruck for Richmond at this point.

Leigh Josey: Sweet. Go Huddo. My Sportsperson of the week goes to the Fremantle Dockers’ Adam McPhee, aka Skeletor, aka Kevin Bacon. It was an Easter crucifixion by Bombers fans against their former best and fairest who know plies his trade in purple. In the first half McPhee played shit. They booed him, threw rocks at him, tied him to a goal post and had Angus Monfries spear a pass through him. And then he rose in the second half and played slightly less shit. And saved Christmas. I think I mixed my metaphors but you get the point. Thanks Dog. Enjoy your week.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Adam McPhee is a hack and a failed thug. You are welcome to him, good luck getting past the cats this week with that bozo running around the paddock.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Loser