Whilst organisers of Sunday’s MTV Australian Video Music Awards were undoubtedly miffed that Nicole Richie had suddenly become their star attraction, even they would agree that rapper Snoop Dogg had little chance of re-entering our golden shores, given a look at his visa application form.

Snoop knows a little bit about legal forms. He makes women sign them before they enter his post-show suite (that’s not a pun, though it sorta could be), and among the disclaimers is that they will perform some sort of s-xual act on the rap impresario. So it’s surprising that his legal advisers, clearly overworked to the point of diminished mental capacity, allowed their client to fill out his own “Application For Work & Holiday Visa” for his recently aborted Australian soiree.

Things get off to a poor start, with the rapper declaring his family name actually is “Dogg”, with a given name “Snoop”. His real name, “Calvin Broadus”, appears in the Have you been known by any other names? section, along with Snoop Doggy Dogg, Tha Doggfather and Niggaracci.

S-x, and date and place of birth were all filled out correctly, despite Snoop declaring that his country of birth is “U. S. of A”. Kevin Andrews lets that sorta thing pass nowadays. What was of more concern was Snoop’s treatment of the Marital status section, in which he added his own box at the bottom of the selections, declaring his legal marital status as “playa”.

“Playa” gets another mention in the Usual occupation section, along with “rapper” and “actor”. This would probably be fine, except for the fact that directly below, Snoop lists his album discography as his official Qualifications.

But it’s through Snoop’s treatment of English language proficiency that would have seen the relevant DIAC drone reaching for the red inkpad. Upon checking the “Other” box in response to the request Please provide evidence of how you obtained your English language proficiency, Snoop proceeded to write, “Izzle kizzle, fo shizzle my nizzle what you sizzle? Fo shizzle bizzle, ha ha!!”.

The real farce, however, lies in Part D — Character details. There are 12 character-probing “have you ever?” questions that must be answered, ranging from been convicted of a crime or offence?, to been removed or deported from any country?, and served in a militia force or state-sponsored private militia?.

Snoop answered “Yes” to 11 of the 12. For Have you been charged with any offence that is currently awaiting legal action?, Snoop again added his own box, this time with the word “Probably”.

Of course, our Government gives applicants the chance to explain themselves in the section below. But in what seems a noble attempt to limit the paperwork involved in his application, Snoop simply listed the relevant URL for the “Snoop Dogg: Legal Problems” Wikipedia entry.

Sorry Snoop. Try again after November. Mr Rudd has already indicated he’s down with the hipping and the hopping.

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