Noble peace laureate. Resister of Chinese cultural imperialism. Exiled spiritual leader. Teacher of the Four Noble Truths . Enemy of desire. Figurehead for 350 million Buddhists worldwide. These are all good reasons to laud a man who has devoted a lifetime to ending the suffering of sentient beings.

But as with other religious leaders, the Dalai Lama has his detractors. Here  Christopher Hitchens details why he’s not bursting to meet the man in burgundy robes:

  • Shoko Asahara, leader of the Supreme Truth cult in Japan and spreader of sarin nerve gas on the Tokyo subway, donated 45 million rupees, or about 170 million yen (about $1.2 million), to the Dalai Lama and was rewarded for his efforts by several high-level meetings with the divine one;
  • Steven Seagal, the robotic and moronic “actor” who gave us “Hard to Kill” and “Under Siege,” has been proclaimed a reincarnated lama and a sacred vessel or “tulku” of Tibetan Buddhism. This decision, ratified by Penor Rinpoche, supreme head of the Nyingma School of Tibetan Buddhism, was initially received with incredulity by Richard Gere, who had hitherto believed himself to be the superstar most favored…:
  • While he denies being a Buddhist “Pope,” the Dalai Lama is never happier than when brooding in a celibate manner on the s-x lives of people he has never met. “S-xual misconduct for men and women consists of or-l and an-l s-x,” he has repeatedly said in promoting his book on these matters. “Using one’s hand, that is s-xual misconduct.”

In Australia, the PM and his opposite number are not the only Australian politicians still consulting their diaries as the Dalai’s Australian tour looms. Here’s the Dalai Lama’s political guest-list as it stands today:

Mark Vaile, Deputy PM, Leader of the National Party: No response

Bob Brown, Leader of the Australian Greens: Yes

Lyn Allison, Leader of the Australian Democrats : Yes

Alan Carpenter, Premier of WA: Initially planned to meet, and then declined

Peter Natrass, Lord Mayor of Perth: Yes, but logistics on both sides mean plans have not progressed

Steve Bracks, Premier of Victoria: Passed the meeting to Daniel Andrews, Parliamentary Secretary assisting the Premier on Multicultural Affairs

John So, Lord Mayor of Melbourne: No response

David Jones, Mayor, City of Greater Bendigo: Yes

Peter McMullin, Mayor, City of Greater Geelong: Yes

Jon Stanhope, Chief Minister, ACT: Yes

Peter Beattie, Premier of Queensland: No

Campbell Newman, Lord Mayor of Brisbane: No

Morris Iemma, Premier of New South Wales: Still considering

Clover Moore, Lord Mayor of Sydney: Yes

We think our politicians need a hand with their excuse-making. Can Costello improve on “he’s okay, I’m okay, but I’m calculating GDP that day”? And what about Gillard’s “with poll results like these, who needs enlightenment?”

What’s the best excuse you can think of for not meeting the Dalai Lama? Send your entries to boss@crikey.com.au with “Dalai Lama comp” in the subject line for a chance to win two VIP tickets to the Dalai Lama’s public lectures in Melbourne (9 June) and Sydney (16 June).  The winners will be published on Friday 25 May.

For more information on Dalai Lama’s tour, visit www.dalailama.org.au.