Updated jokes for a locked-down world — or, you can’t do stand-up in isolation, can you?

Like every other pastime, the ancient art of dad-joke telling needs to pivot to a pandemic setting. Crikey satirist Tom Red gives the world’s oldest jokes the shot in the arm they need to survive these trying times.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because, unlike you or I, her life is not regulated by local government area boundaries. 

Knock, knock.
Q: Who’s there?
A: My partner’s head banging rhythmically on a desk. I only worry now when it stops.

Knock, knock.
Q: Who’s there?
A: No one. Ever. Even the UberEats dude just dumps it and runs.

Q: What’s the difference between a Tuesday and a Thursday?
A: Absolutely fucking nothing.

After passing away peacefully, veteran shock jock Neil Mitchell wakes up in Heaven. He’s shocked to see St Peter is wearing a mask and there’s a QR code check-in station by the Pearly Gates. He demands to know what’s going on. “God wasn’t that keen on it either, but he was overruled — by Dan Andrews,” St Peter replies. 

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: For clearly defined exercise purposes, officer.

Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. One lonely, broken, unkempt, pizza-festooned, rarely sober shell of a person.

Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. Just so long as the person living alone has nominated one person (and one person only) to change the light bulb with them. This “bulb buddy” can only travel a maximum of 5km to the home to help change the light bulb. If, however, the light bulb in need of changing is in a hotspot LGA, the person nominated must also live within the same LGA.

An Aussie, a Kiwi and a Pom don’t walk into a bar.

Q: Why did the mad scientist cross Sauvignon Blanc with Xanax?
A: Reasons.

Q: What’s the worst thing about bumping into your ex at the pub?
A: That it won’t happen.

Q: Anyone in from Frankston tonight?
A: [silence]

Q: Anyone in from anywhere tonight?
A: [silence]

Q: Why did the man end up in hospital with a sourdough starter shoved up his nose?
A: It’s complicated.