Through a wormhole in space-time, Crikey has obtained a preliminary report on Scott Morrison’s multiple appointments, with notes in italics from senior officials. In the last years of his government, he had himself appointed to offices including but not limited to:
Treasurer
Finance minister
Health Minister
Resources minister
Home Affairs minister
Administrator of Norfolk Island
Minister of Fisheries, Tasmania
Deputy mayor of Brisbane
Acting junior alderman, Esk shire council
Premier of the state of Victoria
Deputy leader of the federal opposition
— Mr Morrison noted that becoming opposition leader would have been bad for democracy.
Greens spokesperson, status of women
Secretary-general of Socialist Alternative
Postmaster-general, 1943 Curtin government
Philip IV of France (1268-1314)
Treasurer again
— On 9 December 2021, Mr Morrison told the governor-general that his first appointment as treasurer “hadn’t taken” and he would have to be treasurer twice.
Prime minister squared
Prime prime minister minister
Josh Frydenberg
— From 13 June to 24 October 2021, Mr Morrison became not merely treasurer, but was sworn in as Josh Frydenberg. He would generally arrive at Mr Frydenberg’s house after Mr Frydenberg (I) had left in the morning. Mr Morrison/Frydenberg (II) would then stay til lunch, doing a little vacuuming, making blinis and feeling ambivalent towards his mother.
President, Kiwanis, Punchbowl branch
Grand Poobah, Elks Lodge
Tawadros II, pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church
Centre half-forward, Sandringham VFL seconds
Scrubber, Australia 2020 Sochi Curling team, go the Numbats
Senior masseur, Canterbury Bulldogs
Director, Robert Menzies Institute
— Shown to be valid, as this office is occupied by Georgina Downer and thus regarded as vacant.
Felicity “Flick” Newman, troubled teen, Home and Away
— Mr Morrison played the role of the “firecracker with a dark secret”, usually taken by Jacqui Purvis, from February to May 2022.
Nora, Monkey Grip
— Anyone who read the novel Monkey Grip between November 2020 and February 2021 would have found that the central character, single mother Nora, was a fat, balding Christian with hairy man boobs. Thirty-seven 2020 VCE English papers are currently being remarked.
“The Man”
— On May 27 2021 Mr Morrison was sworn in by the governor-general as “The Man” in a friendship group consisting of Shane ‘The Man” Abruzzo, James Pearson-White, Barry Smith and Tyson Connolly, who had met in UNSW Business Studies in the 2010s. Mr Abruzzo ceased to be regarded by them as “The Man” from that day. Mr Morrison is still “The Man”. Mr Abruzzo was detained on May 28 2021, and executed on Christmas Island that August.
Girl You Shouldn’t Have Started Talking To At a Party; French Dude With Camera Who Says He’s a Filmmaker; Your Crypto-Supplements-PUA Cousin; Brother-in-Law Who Only Reads Books About Hitler; Manic Pixie Dream Friend On Lexapro; Your Pro-Ana Goddaughter, Convicted Con-Man Your Divorced Mother’s Currently On a Cruise With; Office Passive-Aggressive Cake Baker, and 1431 others.
— These were all Mr Morrison.
Treasurer
— By March 2022, Australia had five treasurers, four of whom were Mr Morrison.
Jenny
— Mr Morrison has been his own wife since 2003.
Masterful, Rundle.Particularly the Georgina Downer vacancy.
It remains a mystery why Morrison didn’t appoint himself Governor General as then he could’ve signed the series of administrative documents giving himself pretty much any – & all – portfolios he wanted.
Maybe Morrison simply enjoyed the regular interaction with Hurley. It’s doubtful the latter did though.
In hindsight the most important ones:
Grand prayer master mons senior: for the children of institutional abuse.
Grand prayer man of any children of abuse/sexual abuse.
Grand purse strings man for institutions accused by children seeking compensation from sexual abuse.
Grand Red Tape Man for the destruction of files after 2 or 7 years which discounts any historical sexual abuse claims unless you have pictures of the abuse.
I, for one, believe Scott was very transparent about all this. When asked about his priorities for government he was completely upfront – it was “Jobs, jobs, jobs”. If people assumed that those jobs would be for other people, that was hardly his fault.
Furthermore, I think that Scott has clearly displaced the late, great James Brown as the “hardest working man in show business”. I think we can all agree that he deserves to hold that title in perpetuity for the ugly people division.
You’ve forgotten “Tsar of all the Russias”. (That’ll show Putin!)
I’m thinking more along the lines of Rasputin, the Mad Monk (or was that Tony Abbott – I’m getting confused…).
“A MAN FOR ALL REASONS…a motion picture for all times…..Starring Scott Morrison as Yew Naymit”
ACCC CEO and Administrator of Social Media Platforms (Global).
Moderator of Chinese Trade and Behaviour.
Captain and Chief Finance Officer of Global Defence Forces.